this person knows what i'm talking about

we moved!!!

2006-12-26T15:39:00.000-08:00

go see our new website at fespn.wordpress.com -- it's totally awesome. bookmark it! tell your (imaginary) friends!

this is for dusty

2006-12-26T12:15:00.000-08:00

the other day dusty told me that he checks this website everyday looking for some kind of post about the iverson trade since i'm always talking about how iverson is the best basketball player ever. so here it is:

two days before the iverson trade i had a dream where i was playing poker at clif's parents house with aaron, clif, dusty, gavin and chad. after the poker game we played mario cart. then i ended up in kansas city because everybody ditched me. while in kansas city i snuck into a chiefs/broncos game and watched part of the game on the sideline near one of the endzones with both dick vermeil and mike shanahan. i didn't care about the game and i didn't want to talk to either of those idiots so i spent my time trying to figure out how long it would take me to drive to denver because i know how long it would take me to get from denver to my home. why is this dream important? if i was daniel and could decipher dreams i would have known that he was going to be traded to denver. it's obvious, right? everyone i played poker with in my dream sort of likes sports. the broncos and mike shanahan, who are from denver, where in my dream. and i could only think of getting to denver. two days later i heard iverson was headed to denver.

here's why i like the trade: iverson is closer to me than ever before. also, they show all the nuggets games on the altitude channel.

Foreigners

2006-12-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

Gregary wrote me an IM yesterday that LOL'd me completely. Andrei Kirilenko has recently come to like dill, he wrote. And then the hotlink, http://www.kirilenko.ru/?lang=eng.
The best Siberian basketball player on the Utah Jazz has his own blog!!! It's pretty good too. Check out the section "Masha". Funny.

So I searched for the best Turkish Jazzman Mehmet Okur. He has a blog also!!! http://www.memo13.com/index.asp His wife is a babe as well. They all have pretty hot wives, actually, as you can see if you click on the "birthday party for Jarron" link.

Blogs are so funny. Thanks Greg. (Greg thinks Andrei is actually Dolf Lundgren. Whatever.)

looks like tennis season is over

2006-11-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

i have the worst case of tennis elbow that i’ve ever seen. as in, it’s the worst tennis elbow i’ve ever had. that’s a little misleading. i’ve seen other cases of tennis elbow that weren’t my own. as in, i know one person that has (had?) tennis elbow. except he called it jedi elbow because it got aggravated when we were playing this sweet star wars game where you’re a jedi and you have lightsaber battles with all your friends and enemies, like general grievous. his tennis elbow might be worse than mine. but i doubt it, even if jedi elbow sounds cooler than tennis elbow. here’s how bad mine is: i can’t shake hands with people without passing out; i can’t carry my cup of hot chocolate without getting cramps; i can’t get my keys out of my pocket without having an aneurysm (i get scared that i won’t be able to unlock my house and have a functioning brain and that i’ll have to choose between thinking and being locked outside to freeze. maybe before i die of frostbite, the cold rain will be like an ice pack for my elbow and then i’ll be able to get my keys right in time.) i thought that it (the tennis elbow, not the aneurysm) would go away if i just stayed away from tennis for like 2 weeks or something. so i tried it, but it got worse. some people suggested that it’s because i didn’t stop playing other racket sports like ping pong (actually a paddle), pickleball (also a paddle, but racket-size), badminton, racket-ball, and tennis. the other thing that the internet said i should do besides avoid tennis (and lightsabers) is to put ice on my elbow every day. but that requires more work than, say, trying to learn how to play tennis left-handed. so i chose the second option instead. except i actually decided to play badminton left-handed and not tennis. it was working fine until i re-injured this old roller-blading injury that i sustained at the age of 14. i jumped off a curb, fell down and threw (that’s a strange word choice) my shoulder out. it kept me from being the first chair french horn player for over a month. it was a hard road back to first chair, but that was back when i had determination. i trained and exercised until i could play french horn again. if it happened now, i’d probably just try to play french horn right-handed. anyways, when i was playing badminton i threw my left shoulder out. so now i think i really have to quit tennis since both of my arms don’t work. and probably other sports, too. but here’s the thing: pickleball is like the coolest sport i’ve ever played. i’ve only played once and it was totally worth the elbow aggravation. i sort of want to keep playing it even though it’ll be bad for my elbow. lego star warsbut on the other hand, if i don’t fix my tennis elbow, how will i get get good at the nintendo wii? i heard they’re creating this star wars game where you’re a jedi. so if i don’t give up tennis, i won’t be able to hone my natural jedi instincts and become the greatest jedi of this generation. maybe if my midi-chlorian count was higher, my tennis elbow would just cure itself. like as high as master yoda, or higher.

coincidentally, the regular world tennis season finished around the same time that i sustained my tennis-season-ending injury (and re-injury). the real tennis year was pretty sweet. and i really mean it. i mean, my favorite player, rafael nadal, lost to roger federer twice in a week and i still thought it was great. so i’d like to just come out and say that, even though he beat my favorite, federer deserves it because he played incredible this year. i really have to hand (which one? they’re both broken) it to him, he dominated virtually everyone (except for nadal a couple of times) and broke the record for money won in a season. he made it to 16 finals in tournaments, winning 12 of them. he hit unbelievable shots against everybody. just this last week during the masters cup, he beat james blake in straight sets. during the match he returned a number of shots that i thought were pretty unreturnable. but he didn’t just get them back over; he return winner’ed them. and he was doing it all year.

you might be like, “big deal — james blake?” but then i’d remind you that he had neck surgery in 2004 and now he’s ranked #4 in the world. he beat the #3, the old #4, and the defending champion to make it to the finals in the masters cup. pretty good, i’d say. plus his beard almost looks awesome. i think he should grow it out a little more, personally, but it’s up to him i guess. what’s more serious, do you think, between a neck injury and a shoulder injury? i’m guessing shoulder.

also, it was good to see andy roddick get back into the top ten. like #6 or something, i think. but still, he had a rough year. after he and mandy moore broke up, his tennis game went totally downhill, but now that he’s either over her or they’re secretly back together, he’s finally playing great tennis again. everyone is saying that it’s jimmy connors. but connors isn’t even his coach. he’s just some guy that roddick talks to about tennis. it has to be the mandy moore thing. anyways, i’m excited to see him doing (and looking) so good.

the other thing great about tennis this year was that john mcenroe announced his return to the a(ssocation of)t(ennis)p(rofessionals). he teamed up with jonas bjorkman and won a doubles tournament that was held in san jose in february. then he and bjorkman played in another one in sweden in october. they didn’t win, but they made it to the quarterfinals. i like that he’s winning some matches and announcing others. take that, jerome bettis. he makes tennis commentating listenable. plus, he’s like morten andersen to the 10th. next year mcenroe will probably beat federer. then jimmy connors will really be crying his eyes out.

but rafael nadal… he’s my favorite. even if he keeps losing to federer. i like when he wears his spain wristbands. i wonder if they sell them on ebay. more importantly, i wonder if they make spain colored tennis elbow braces. then people will think that i’m trying to be nadal and they won’t suspect that i have tennis elbow.

potpourri:is that a smell or a collection of things or maybe a collection of things but sometimes it's a category on the nintendo version jeopardy

2006-11-23T17:40:00.000-08:00

bob costas is pleased to be back on the medium he started out on: radio. at least that's what radio told me. and when i say radio told me i mean a commercial on the radio narrated by bob costas told me. after explaining how pleased he was to be back on the radio (and i wonder what exactly he meant by pleased--pleased as in it gives him pleasure, pleased that he'll make a shitload of money for talking about nothing or pleased that he doesn't have to comb his hair for work?), bob costas said how an unnamed we pondered over what to call his new radio show. before i drop the name (which, in this instance, is different from name-dropping), i want to ponder over who this unnamed we could include and wonder why bob costas would say this unnamed we pondered. bob costas is probably a part of this we, but who else? his producer? his barber? dan marino? espn radio? and what weren't just thinking about a name but pondering. maybe ponder is a loaded word for me. i guess joseph smith pondered and that's the main reason i was born in utah and possibly the main reason i was born at all. that's something i should ponder about. i seriously doubt they (bob costas and whoever) pondered. the name they came up with? bob costas on the radio. is that a joke?

here's the best goal i've seen this year:

don't forget that chelsea was down 2-1 in extra time when he scored this goal. drogba scored the first goal.

speaking of drogba, there's this guy on youtube who posts like every drogba goal. sometimes he compiles drogba highlights into a kind of drogba mixtape. that's cool. but what's cooler? the music he chooses for this drogba mixtape:

because pusher and malice are twins, i can never tell their verses apart. but they're awesome. and don't sleep on pharrell.

should the rubber band game count as a sport?

2006-11-20T22:22:00.000-08:00

i think it should. it involves physical endurance, finesse, strength, quickness and strategy. plus it's fun.

everybody who is anybody loves ping pong

2006-11-07T11:55:00.000-08:00

table tennis, or what is onomatopoetically called ping pong, is like the best sport ever. well, technically soccer is the best sport, but it's so hard to find enough people to play and when you find enough people to play you still have to find a ball, a place to play and shorts to play in and then it's either too hot or too cold and even though you have so much fun playing--way funner than any ecstasy party i've been to and the ones i've been to are totally fun, you know, with like dancing and ouija boards and the rubber-band game and vest-jackets and banana chair surfing--you're so sore the next day. so soccer is the best sport (especially 2 on 2 indoor soccer played on a racquetball court) but sometimes ping pong is even better.

but you don't have to take my word for it:

(ok. i want to explain how i found these photos first. i thought the line was funny enough--you know, because we all watched reading rainbow growing up and pretend to like it now because we weren't so depressed when we were kids but childhood wasn't so great and neither was reading rainbow. maybe i was trying to be ironic, but that's not any better. i mean, do i think i'm better because i don't pretend to like reading rainbow? no. i'm still trying to define myself in terms of which products i consume[d] and which i didn't. so scrap the reference.)

(but why wouldn't i just erase the reference rather than writing about how i'm embarrassed i used it? i have a few ideas, but i don't want to spend another paragraph over-analyzing everything i write. it's not funny.)

(but if i did it enough times would it become funny?)

the internet is great. while watching parts of the patriots/colts game sunday night during commercials of prehistoric park i wondered if peyton manning is married. thanks to the internet i found the answer in less than ten minutes (or, more correctly, in less than or equal to ten minutes). he's married, but i couldn't find any pictures of the two of them. so i started looking for pictures of steve nash and his family. instead i found proof of how awesome ping pong is. (rebecca, feel free to use these pictures or even this entire post [or portions of it] on your blog because ping pong is always awesome.)

i may not have found pictures of nash and his girlfiend and/or kid(s), but i found this:

but he's not the only awesome athlete who loves ping pong. there's ronnie brown, who looks like a killer doubles partner:

sharapova plays in a dress which isn't that weird considering that she plays tennis in a dress:

andy roddick plays

against mandy moore

i think i could take mandy moore
but it's not just bad actors who play. there's humphrey bogart

audrey hepburn

and keanu reeves (who plays left-handed)

i would love to play any of those people. i think i could take mandy moore, bogart, and keanu if we were both stoned when we played. but if i had access to a time/space machine, i'd travel back to cuba shortly after the revolution to play castro.

stoned or not, castro would beat me for sure. but it would be awesome.

if there's anyone i wouldn't want to play against, it would probably be mr. ed

that horse's forehand looks like it could kill someone.

i used to think aaron rooted for the underdog, but now i don't know what to think

2006-10-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

i spend part of most saturday afternoons watching college football with gavin. every week we flip through random games looking for upsets (unless florida is playing, then we watch that game hoping that urban meyers plays tim tebow, but meyers is an idiot and he barely uses tebow). a month or so ago we saw michigan destroy notre dame. then the next week we were heartbroken as notre dame came back to win against michigan state. then there were a bunch of weeks with out any real threat of upsets--at least in the games we partially watched.

today we were watching florida and georgia. but, like every week except one, meyers hardly even used tebow. so we switched over the the second-half of the usc/oregon state game. it was awesome. oregon state got up by 20 some odd points. then usc worked its way back into the game. with seven seconds left, usc scored a touchdown. they needed a two-point conversion to tie. gavin and i watched in fear. it's so sad to see such an underdog play so well only to lose the game at the last second. but oregon state totally stopped the conversion.

my first thought was to call aaron. i figured he likes and upset as much as me. plus, he goes to oregon state and, even though he doesn't care about the sports program there, i thought he'd feel a little sentimental about his school knocking off an team like usc.

so i called him. except he didn't care at all. not only that, but he thought it was dumb that i thought he'd care.

maybe that's why he hardly posts on this thing anymore.

History of the Underdog

2006-10-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

Greetings, it's my first post on "this person know what i'm talking about."

I don't actually know the history of the underdog but I'd like to make some general statements about it that sound reasonable. The attractiveness of an underdog victory is obvious for a sports fan. My first assumption is that sports are a substitute for war. Now of course we still have wars, but with all technical advances these days they're so hard to follow, all the covert ops and whatnot. Who would watch the superbowl if it wasn't scheduled, and one team would sneak up on the other whenever they found them, play a down, and then retreat for days?

So the days of spectatorship for war are gone. I guess that started with the first Olympic games. Sports of whatever kind now provide a forum for the virtues of the warrior to be displayed, even though we've come a long way from archery and wrestling and now have bowling. (Bowling still requires its own physical virtues of strength and finesse and pinpoint accuracy, it just doesn't require the all-around fitness that the decathlon strives to display.) A competition is the chance to see the skills and attributes of the warriors of the respective sports to be tested and admired by the spectators.

Implied in this situation is that the spectators do not possess the virtues in the degree that the warriors do (or they would be the warriors). This allows the spectator to participate by proxy, aligning themselves with one side or the other and experiencing the battle emotional if not physically. We all know those people, usually moms, who walk in during a televised sporting event and make some comment about how they just want a fair game and the best side to win, with no regard for the fact that some of us have devoted months or years to the particular team and don't appreciate comments about "good plays" by the enemies. But we also know those people, who are usually moms, wouldn't be in war anyway and that's why they have no appreciation for the beauty of the battlefield. Would they want the best army to win if it meant their husband never came home again? Pick a side!

Anyway, in picking sides it is more often than not the underdog that most people side with when they have not been devoting their lives to one of the particular sides. And I assume that this is owing to the fact that it makes a more fulfilling proxy experience because the vast majority of people assume they are the underdog in life. It's certainly the case if they have delusions of grandeur, but it's the position of all of us in relation to entropy. That makes it natural to side with the underdog in sports, and demand happy endings to movies. It provides hope for each spectator that despite the fact they weren't endowed in abundance with the virtues of _______, if they show enough heart, the virtue that can be self-produced, they can achieve victory.

I often cheer for the underdog. I will admit I'm no Yankees fan. But I don't advocate it as automatic as it too often is. There is pleasure to be found in rooting for the leviathan, and it is the appreciation of beautiful and skillful execution. This path is more difficult because the proxy connection is often lost if we consider ourselves inept, but it may reap greater spoils. I use the Chicago Bulls led by Michael Jordan as an example. They were my team while they were good, and only then. It was bandwagoning at its best, I didn't even like them much until after the first title, but the next five titles were a pleasure. I even loved it when they brought in Dennis Rodman and only lost ten regular season games. Rodman was an easy target for devoted underdog rooters but he didn't give them what they wanted. I got what I wanted. I watched the greatest team of basketball players in the world win and win and win, specifically Michael Jordan. The grace and skill with which he was able to dominate was awe-inspiring, and ennobling to me. Underdoggers missed all that, consumed by his supposed arrogance, sidetracked by his gambling, private life, or sought to qualify it with the story of him not making the high school team and therefore making even his dominance an underdog story. I would have none of it. Fortune favored Michael Jordan and all anyone else can do is watch in awe.

The spoils of cheering for the favored are confidence and an appreciation for excellence. There is a danger of becoming haughty, but nothing the occasional underdog can't remedy. The benefits of siding with the strong have bled over into my own life. I have a healthy confidence that I can accomplish what I want. I don't fear for my survival and completely enjoy my life. With an underdog disposition I could believe it possible but the odds would always be against me. This way they are in my favor. It's an easier way to live. And so I will continue to root for the favored and admire the virtues of the warrior.

looks like i'm not the only ike diogu fan out there

2006-10-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

a tribute video to the future best-player ever. watch to the end to see the cute illustration they made of x-men's "beast" but with ike's boyish face. i wish i made this video.

in soccer, a pitch is what they call the field

2006-10-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

i saw this movie called fever pitch. clif told me he read the book the movie is based on. the book is a memoir about being an arsenal fan. clif said the book is good and bears no resemblance to the movie. the movie was terrible. so terrible it was actually pretty funny. hopefully no one saw it, so i'll fill you in on the details. jimmy fallon is a die hard red sox fan. his uncle used to take him to games at fenway park. then his uncle died and jimmy inherited season tickets. so his life is all about the red sox and these kids he teaches at school. then he falls in love in the off-season. you see where this is going. jimmy's love of the red sox interferes with his love of this girl. they kind of break-up and jimmy decides to sell his season tickets to some asshole. but drew barrymore (his ex-girlfriend) can't let that happen so she scalps some tickets and runs onto the field at fenway to stop him. the night she runs onto the field? the fourth game of the alcs where the red sox come back against the yankees and eventually win the series. the point? jimmy and drew's love is the reason the red sox win the series.

i seriously doubted the point of the movie. how do our baseball-related actions have any effect on the outcome of baseball games? but then i realized which two teams are playing in the world series.

at the beginning of last summer i needed a new baseball cap. i was at target and noticed they had all these mlb caps that were the style i like--simple, adjustable and fits the shape of your head. and they were only like ten dollars. so i bought a detroit tigers hat. not because i like the tigers, but because their hat is blue and not the yankees or red sox. aaron really liked my hat, so he went to target to buy one. he chose the cardinals because their hat was blue and not the yankees or red sox. and what two teams are in the world series? the detriot tigers and the st. louis cardinals.

Go Blue!

2006-10-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

for those of you (or more realistically the [maybe] one person) who have read my previous posts, you might remember that I was born in ann arbor, MI and grew up singing the u. of michigan fight song. so i just have to give praises to the great year this has been for my former state. the detroit tigers swept the american league championship and are in the world series for the first time since i was just a little lass of 6. i know some of you think baseball is totally boring, but i love it (then again, i can get into pretty much any sport when watching it). so anyway, in other MI news, the wolverines are currently 8-0 and ranked number two. yay them.

the end.

Spreadin' the Love Love Love

2006-10-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

One thing I hate (and no, I’m not getting this mixed up with our sister blog. Bare with me here...) is that This Person has been around for far longer than The Killtaker, but The Killtaker has just surpassed us on number of blogs. Granted, the sports blogs are (for the most part) far better written, more informative, funnier, and generally more intelligent than the majority of the hate blogs, but I feel like we have more to offer.

I’m going to go ahead and arrogantly blame this on myself. I don’t know how up to the task I am in participating in intelligent, witty conversations about sports. The closest I probably get to sports is pee wee soccer games (as previously mentioned) and Rocky. And while a post about the overall worthwhileness of Rocky is definitely in order, I am often behind.

But let me offer you this humorous anecdote: Word on the street is (told to me by Trevor Banks…who I think heard it from the source?) my favorite professor, Dean Duncan, just got asked to have dinner with another professor from one of those acclaimed universities back East. When asked whether or not he was going to go he replied, “No. I probably should…but hockey season starts that night.”

I want it known that I love people that love sports. I admire people who love anything, but there is something about team loyalty that I find very appealing (dare I say sexy? In that platonic kind of way. No funny business.). Because unlike movie stars or music, the rules for devoting so much energy to a team seem so much more arbitrary or coincidental. There is nothing very substantial holding a certain Canadian to the Edmonton Oilers except a childhood spent in Edmonton, and yet he will turn down an important, career enhancing dinner to survey the competition this year. It is this kind of irrational love that attaches us to Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Spongebob and Gary.

Remember a long time ago I wrote a blog about trying to get into baseball? I chose the A’s to follow because I had once been to an A’s game when we lived in Sacramento and my dad bought me a t-shirt that I wore out completely in the next year. That game was important to me, I like America, I like hot dogs (even though I don’t eat them any more), and my dad’s alright, so I decided I needed to devote myself to this new venture. That lasted about a week. I couldn’t even watch a single game and gave it up in favor of – I don’t remember – D2 or something. Much like my human interactions, I gave up love because it was too much of a hassle.

But, oh man, I love love vicariously. I like reading this blog and I like talking to my dad about his college football glory days (that resemble Rudy in uncanny ways). Just like I love listening to Ballad in Plain D and reading The History of Love. Anyway. I’m proud of you guys/gals. Keep up the good work. And I’ll do my best.

uniforms you can set your watch to

2006-10-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

american basketball is back. and i'm not talking about the national team that didn't want iverson. i'm talking about preseason nba. so far it's been pretty standard, except that the sixers, suns, and spurs (they only picked s-teams) went on a little tour of europe: holding training camp, playing friendly games against european clubs, and participating in a four-team basketball tournament. well, the spurs didn't do that. but who cares about them as long as they have bruce bowen on their team. anyways, the sixers beat the suns and then they beat cska moscow to win the tournament. pretty good for a team that steve kerr thinks didn't make enough roster moves to improve. news flash to steve kerr: maybe roster changes don't help the sixers. as in, look at what they do every year. they overhaul their roster and bring a new group to play with iverson. it hasn't worked. so this year maybe they did the smart thing and kept the same team so that they have time to figure each other out. the suns took second place. but who cares, right? and not "who cares?" because it's preseason, but "who cares?" about scores when they are using some of the sweetest uniforms i've ever seen an american basketball team use.

these suns jerseys are great. they have the normal suns purple, but then they also have green and red, two colors that are specifically un-sunlike. then the sixers uniforms have those sweet stripes on the shoulders. cool colors and different designs on both sides.

the nba has taken a small step forward. the suns and sixers probably won't dare to wear those jerseys all the time, but at least they're introducing a new look that basketball uniforms hadn't seen. i mean, seriously, there haven't been any good new jerseys (or good new-jersey's -- zing!) in forever. the only cool ones they use are on throwback night, which happens way less than it should. obviously, the suns and sixers have taken cues from football (soccer) uniforms. they saw that the world cup was slightly (barely) more popular in the united states than ever before and so they want to cautiously build on that. well, here's my message to the suns, sixers, and every other team: use awesome uniforms all the time. (did i just say awesome?) you won't regret it. basketball is so much cooler when the uniforms aren't fat and ugly.

a man and his footy

2006-10-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

I was surfing blogger and found this article ... and thought the readers of "this person" might enjoy it.

mort a. + mike v. = best friends 4eva

2006-10-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

at 46 years of age, morten andersen was signed by the falcons to be their star kicker. their previous star kicker missed 6 of 8 field goals in 2 games, which isn't very star-like. so they decided to go with the older, handsomer, and more experienced morten. this is mort's 25th year playing in the nfl. 25 years is the silver anniversary, if i'm not mistaken. in morten's case, this means that he is fated to not pass greg anderson on the list of top scorers in the nfl -- at least, that has been the talk. but i believe in old-man morten andersen. he's got a steel will and a heart of gold. in fact, in just two games back he's already kicked 6 field goals and 2 extra points. so even though at the beginning of the season he was behind greg anderson on the all-time scorer's list by 76 points (greg anderson has 2,434 points over his career while mort has 2,358), he's aleady shaved off 20 of those points in 2 games. so there are still 12 games left this season and only 56 points need to pass greg up. all the geezer has to do is score an average of 5 points a game for the rest of the season and he becomes the nfl's all-time leading scorer. i think he can do it. and so does he: "in my heart, i knew i could play."

morten's celebrated career includes making 526 of 665 field goals, with a 60-yarder as his longest. it also includes only missing 10 extra points in 810 attempts. he kicked the memorable field goal in 1999 which propelled the falcons to the nfc championship. he's kicked off 1457 times with 478 of those resulting in touchbacks. he's also made 7 1/2 big tackles over his 24 year career. it seems hard to improve on stats like these, but he's determined to do it.

the other record that he is trying to break is oldest person ever to play national league football. george blanda holds that record, retiring at the rotten old age of 48. 2 more years, mort. 2 more years. i think that's especially feasible, given that his relationship with the falcons coach jim mora is so good. it's easy for them to be best friends, since jim is only 15 months older than mort. besides, morten andersen is geared up to break the record. 6 years ago morten told the world that he planned to kick until he was 50. he reiterated that idea this last week: "When I said that I wanted to kick until I was 50, no one said I couldn't skip a year here or there. So I took last season off, right? Now I'm ready to go again. It's going to be great." he's off to a great start and he's a great fit for the falcons, while they try to mold koenen into the league's best kicker/punter. until he's ready to take over and until morten andersen turns 50, mort is dedicated to helping this team get to the super bowl. he's on the same page as the rest of the offense and he's getting along great with michael vick. "I plan on helping them continue to build on the success they've already had this season and also help out Michael in any way I can." with an attitude like that, what record isn't going to get broken?

what's the deal with bob costas?

2006-10-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

have you ever really watched this guy? i mean really really watched this guy?

i'm pretty overwhelmed with the subject matter. where do i even begin? i wanted to set up some bob costas context (or bob costext?), but that would mean i would have to do a little work looking for costas quotes and costas clips. so fuck that. i'm getting (relatively) straight to the point.

here's what bob said on football night in america:

"now to the absurdly hyped return of t.o. to philadelphia. the return wasn't as warm and fresh as a philly cheese-steak right out of the oven, but the game was darn good."

i've been trying to unpack this statement since last night. looking at the first sentence, the awkwardness comes from the double qualification of absurdly and hyped. granted that t.o.'s return to philadelphia was hyped to levels bordering on absurdity, but bob costas and his show are as guilty of this over-hype as anyone. maybe he means absurd in an existential sense. maybe not. maybe he's taking a jab at his own show and sports coverage in general. but that doesn't seem like bob costas. he's an asshole. and assholes have a difficult time making fun of themselves.

as weird as the first sentence was, the second is weirder. bob said it with this kind of smirk on his face; like he was about to bust up laughing before he finished the joke. here's how i imagine the pre-show meeting went:

bob costas: i wrote this line about t.o.'s return.

co-workers: what is it?

bob: the return wasn't as warm and fresh as a philly cheese-steak

co-workers: that's not funny

bob: yes it is. philly cheese-steaks are the identity of philadelphia

co-workers: no there not and that joke makes no sense. don't use it.

but bob believed in the joke so much he used it without permission. but he's bob fucking costas; no one tells him what to do.

i think i figured out the problem with his joke, besides it not being interesting. warm and fresh are both ambiguous words so it's supposed to be a play on words. the philly cheese-steak refers to physical characteristics of the sandwich having to do with heat and how old the bread is. warm and fresh do have other meanings--how a movie makes you feel warm, which is different from a space-heater, or how fresh used to be used in hip hop. however, the return of t.o. can neither be warm or fresh in any sense of the words. so the joke doesn't make any sense. and bob costas is still an (fat and ugly and stupid) idiot.

who do you like?

2006-10-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

or

The other day I was flipping through the channels and happened to see Mr. Marino's face staring back out of my t.v. He was there talking with a few other "less important" guys talking about the week in american football. The reason that this caught my attention was because they were all talking about Brett Favre. It was only interesting because they were talking about the "current events" that were happening when Favre hit the NFL. Some of the things they mentioned: Last of the Mohicans was the top movie, grunge music came onto the scene lead by Nirvana with Smells like Teen Spirit, both Mike Tyson and Jeffrey Dahmer were arrested that year (tyson for rape, Dahmer for murder), Super Nintendo was released, The Gulf war, Magic Johnson announced that he has HIV, etc. The other men on the show started "ribbing" Marino about how Brett has 402 career touchdown passes, and is quickly approaching Marino's own record of 420 .

this caused me to think... i mean, one would hope that after 16 seasons straight, starting every game a quarter back would have at least 400 touchdown passes. I looked up Marino's career and found out that he actually played for 17 seasons. So essentially Favre has another season along with the current one to make 18 touchdown passes. I think he will do it. I just don't know if he should.

After reading up on Mr. Favre's life from here, I found out that he's become a corporate machine. The boy that started out so well has apparently come to the point where he's lost touch with what really matters in life. In his early years he was a fun guy, making silly bets and having a good time. From there it seems that he's changed his focus to numbers and records. I don't know if Marino was the same (i didn't pay him any attention when he was a QB).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really don't know much about it at all, so I ask: who do you like? Farve or Marino? Should Favre break Marino's record, or should the record stand at 420 ?

tough talk towards t.o.; too bad t.o. totally topped trained theory

2006-10-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

monday is all about the nfl. that's what this commercial i saw told me. i figured sunday would be all about that but i guess it's all about the nfl and trimming the hedges and laundry and maybe cleaning the garage.

the point of the previous paragraph: i watched like twenty minutes of espn's nfl countdown this morning.

this show was out of control. it started with a virtual tornado of football, i hope. otherwise i have no idea what the opening graphics were all about. every segment of the show was brought to me by a different product--ibm, marriot courtyard, fidelity, ibm again, old spice, direct tv. every anchor(?) was dressed for success. chris b (black blazer, white shirt and a pink tie [pink ties are awesome]) looked the best. but where was steve young? did he speak in conference this week? or was he just in slc for the serious mormon parties? i imagine that young, marriot, covey, thurl bailey, that girl from survivor, boyd k packer and the ghosts of eliza snow and joseph f smith all hung out on top of the conference center last night. i guess steve young was too hung-over to make it back for the show.

t.o. and his accidental overdose opened the broadcast. here's what t.o. said: "i don't think i'd be here if i took 35 pills." he makes a good point. chris b turned it over to the panel to give this quote some context. i'll try and put there context in context.

irvey (white shirt with orange stripes going horizontally and vertically, light blue tie with blue something on it and a black blazer): the cowboys should have been thinking about the titans, but it's all t.o., t.o., t.o.

me (black t-shirt and grey shorts): i'm glad someone sort of defends t.o. it seemed like he was saying that t.o.'s teammates were concerned for t.o.'s health (like normal human beings would be) when they should have been focusing on football. but how do you focus on football when your friend overdoses?

t.j. (black blazer with thick white pin-stripes, white shirt and a black and red striped tie): it's always something with t.o.

me (same as above): t.j. probably thanks god that guy's in the league or they'd actually have to come up with some stories. i mean, this is a two-hour show about (american) football.

glassface, who other people call jaws (black blazer, peach shirt and an orange and black tie): speaking for bledsoe, if t.o. is always overdosing on pills, how are we gong to work on our timing and chemistry? speaking for myself, how can you win with t.o. on your team?

me: speaking for glassface, i wish i was half the qb bledsoe is when i played, but i was and am too much of a hater. if i hate someone, i hate someone. i especially hate black athletes who don't know there place.

dikta (navy blazer, blue shirt, grey tie and an american flag pin): so long, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

me: i guess dikta would fire anyone on his team with any kind of mental health problem. real men don't have mental health problems, i guess.

t.o. may have tried to kill himself. can't espn lay off him for a week?

here's what else i learned:
-phil simms won a bunch of money off his son playing poker while his son was in the hospital and probably groggy from the meds.
-chris henry doesn't mind his rap sheet.
-espn loves alliteration. here are some of the teasers for stories coming up later in the show: too much t.o., tom's troubles, smith the savior, winning without shawn, dallas distraction and chad's comeback.

finally, everyone but irvey thought t.o. would hurt dallas this week by playing. he didn't. they won easily. not only that, t.o. played pretty well. he lead the cowboys in receiving. however, that's not good enough for espn. i watched a little of the blitz--a show on espnews that recaps the day in (american) football--and saw another t.o. quote where he said that he exceeded everyone's expectation (maybe he should work at espn writing teasers). sean s took exception to this (maybe i should). first sean talked about how terry glenn stepped up as a number one receiver since t.o. played so bad. while glenn did have a couple touchdowns, he had a lot less yards than t.o. i don't get his point. then sean talked about why everyone hates t.o. i guess it's because he says things like exceeding everyone's expectations even though he did. i thought about this logic for a while and figured that you're supposed to hate athletes who play better than espn thinks they will. i guess that makes sense.

Yankee Love

2006-09-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of problems I have with baseball (and when I say baseball here, I am referring to Major League Baseball, not necessarily the game itself), and I'm not just talking about the steroid issue; we all know that baseball isn't the only sport that has that problem. (This guy knows what I'm talking about.) The game doesn't translate well to television, they play so many games that each individual contest is pointless, and the World Series always airs on Fox in lieu of the Simpsons (which was a more serious issue when the Simpsons were worth watching).

No, the problem I have with baseball is that I can't turn on sports radio or television, pick up a sports paper, or go to a sports website (excepting this one) without hearing how damned awesome the Yankees are. Of course they're awesome, they have the most money so they can buy the best(looking) players.

Major League Baseball doesn't employ a salary cap or revenue sharing so teams and owners can spend whatever they can afford on their players. The Yankees can spend nearly $75 million more than the second least frugal team and 13 times what the thriftiest team spends. Their payroll is more than the bottom five teams combined, and they have five players that make more individually than the entire roster of the Marlins collectively.

They're basically an All-Star team and as such should never lose and should never be praised for winning. Yet, somehow, people think it's a major accomplishment that they win a whopping 60% of their games while teams in similar circumstances (take USA basketball) get criticized for not completely dominating their competition. It's total crap.

I haven't heard a reasonable justification for the competition-killing lack of a salary cap, though, in all fareness, I usually change the station/turn the page/stick my fingers in my ears and scream whenever baseball comes up. However, every time I've heard an argument defending baseball against its many faults, it's usually a tradition-based defense. I'm all for tradition in sports when it comes to things such as team names and uniforms. But I draw the line when traditions interfere with game structure (are penalty goal kicks in soccer traditional? they suck), season outcome (as is the case with baseball), or are just stupid.

Unfortunately, the powers that be will never agree to revenue sharing or a salary cap. In the interest of competitive fairness (yeah, right), maybe MLB should install some kind of handicapping system. Maybe the rich teams could begin the season several games behind the rest of the teams based on their payroll. Or, for instance, the Yankees could spot the Royals so many runs whenever they play. Make those pretty boys earn their money.

i heart andy roddick's tennis heart and regular heart

2006-09-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

I know i know there has been way (way) too many Andy Roddick posts lately. But it's because he's been in the news dude. I watched Andy play tennis for nearly 5 hours yesterday. Oh okay i switched back and forth between other shit on my fight tv and went to a women's soccer match and i got some sun to. The soccer match was good. The weird thing about the Davis Cup is that in the 5th set they don't do a tie break, so you gotta win by 2 games. The record for the longest 5th set match at Davis Cup was set yesterday. Suck on it Sampras. Tursunof, Roddick's opponent finally finished him off 17 games to 15. Andy sure does have a lot of tennis heart even though he let down the USA squad, but not the country because we could care less about tennis (and soccer). I have a hard time with the Davis Cup because i don't really care. I like clay, i really do. I thought long about how hard it must be playing on clay. I imagine it's probably a lot like playing tennis on drugs or alcohol. The ball is always bouncing weird, not doing what it's supposed to. I encourage playing tennis on drugs and alcohol, at least until you've decided to take it serious. Now i'm off to watch some more fight tv...

who's gonna say no to a free suit?

2006-09-22T12:18:00.000-07:00

so reggie bush accepted a bunch of money while an "amateur" athlete. bfd, breaking archaic and unethical institutional rules isn't stealing, domestic abuse, substance abuse (i'm talking about steroids not marijuana) or murder. but if you watch espn or listen to espnradio, you'd wonder which is worse.

last week i listened to the herd (i think that's what it's called) or maybe the dan patrick show (or both) and watched part of cold pizza. each show spent any non-advertising time talking about the so-called reggie bush scandal. on espn, advertising is not limited to commercial breaks but bleeds seamlessly into the fabric of the shows (which i guess is seamless fabric?), and, taking this tired analogy further (or farther), it's nearly impossible to get blood out of fabric. this is why i stay away from analogies and metaphors. but if you don't believe the line between espn programs and their advertisements, just watch--interview question are brought to you by beer companies, sets are built by home depot, stats are provided courtesy of american express or old spice. i've even seen breakdowns of football plays using animation from madden 2007. the contents of the shows are actually commercials and the commercials resemble the shows.

it seems like i've already gotten off subject, but i think this blending of show and commercial informs espn's coverage of the so-called reggie bush scandal.

back to the so-called scandal:

so everyone on all the previously mentioned shows kept talking about reggie bush and laying the blame squarely on him. the question isn't, given the bullshit situation of major college athletics, how should players be fairly reimbursed, but how satanic is reggie bush for dirtying the purity of college athletics. they want to strip him of his heisman and possibly have him executed. maybe they should have dick cheney shoot him in the face. everyone defends usc and makes excuses for the agents giving offering him the money. not a single commentator suggested that the problem may be with the ncaa. i hate joe horn, but he's one of the few people i've heard state the obvious about the so-called reggie bush scandal: "the man [bush] earned millions for that school. that much is undeniable." but i want to take this a few steps further. not only did bush make a shitload of money for usc, but also for the ncaa, the television networks that cover college football and the companies that advertise with them. reggie bush, however, got his tuition waived.

college football isn't really a sport. like professional football, it's primarily entertainment. imagine you're favorite tv show. (mine's not grey's anatomy.) imagine, unlike campus ladies, that it's wildly successful raking in millions of dollars for the network and the advertisers. then imagine that the actors--the reason why anyone watches the show--get almost nothing. it's total bullshit.

ps, i read that marcellus wiley--a football player who moonlights as a commentator for nbssports--wrote a blog defending reggie bush and suggesting some kind of a trust fund for college athletes, but nbc has purposely made this blog impossible to find.

saints vs. jaguars 2005

2006-09-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

do you persons remember this from last year?

i just wish i could hear chris berman highlighting this play on nfl primetime.

p.s. they missed the extra point and lost.

better than that one italian goal

2006-09-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

i don't have the fox soccer channel anymore. i could go up to brian's during the summer and watch it whenever i wanted, but premiership hadn't even started yet. so i watched re-runs of games while i could and now that it started, i can't watch a thing. i can only keep track of the live scoring on the bbc's premiership webpage.

so you can imagine how excited i got when i saw thatdidier drogba had scored a goal against liverpool. and not just because he's the captain of my fantasy team and i get double points when he scores. i got excited because he's my favorite player in unamerican football. he's even the wallpaper on my computer -- ask anybody. anyways, i was glad that he scored but i was curious how it happened. then brian called. he told me that it was maybe the goal of the year. so i found a video of it on youtube.

this morning i got online to read about soccer. to my surprise, there was a yahoo article on the chelsea-liverpool game. surprised because they provide almost as bad of coverage of premiership football as espn. so i started reading the article. it started out fine, talking about the goal: "The Ivory Coast striker settled a long ball from Frank Lampard in the 42nd minute, then swirled and drove a shot past Liverpool goalkeeper Pepe Reina." but then i got to the third paragraph and stopped reading. "[tiger] Woods led the cheers from a front-row seat at Chelsea's Stamford Bridge stadium." who the eff cares if tiger stupid woods was at the game? how is that a key-point of the match? how does tiger woods cheering matter in any way? and who cares if he's bff with shevchenko? i don't. because i think shevchenko is a ball-hog. tiger probably would be one too, if he played soccer (not that he could last 8 minutes, but they'd be 8 minutes with zero passes). so i'm glad they're best friends. anyways, is that the only reason that yahoo did an article on the game? because idiot-face tiger being at the game makes it news worthy? that is so ridiculous. i hate yahoo sports and i hate tiger woods.

maybe that's the only reason that yahoo even (sort of) covered the us open. nike must've told them that they were planning a promotion for the final where tiger would attend and cheer for whoever else was sponsored by nike (most likely federer). i watched the final and it was sweet. but i kept throwing up in my mouth because the one announcer (not mcenroe) kept talking about tiger woods the whole time. about how he and roger federer have so much respect for each other because they're both dominating their sports and how it was federer's dream to meet tiger woods and how when they met it was like they finally found someone who understood what it's like to be at the top and how they're probably going to be penpals and best friends. who cares about tiger woods? seriously. i'm glad he lost last week. it makes me happy. i like it whenever he loses. that's the difference between him and federer. roger doesn't ever lose. so if anyone was dying to meet anyone, it was tiger dying to meet federer. because he's way cool and way good and who wouldn't want to meet him. so tiger probably went to nike and told them that he'd give them all hand jobs if they arranged a meeting. and the people at nike probably accepted and decided that it would be a fantastic marketing stunt. so they pressured federer into meeting with tiger before the championship and they paid off abc so that they'd show as many close-ups of tiger woods as they did of roger federer. p.s. nice hat, idiot.

that's why i wish andy roddick had won. because he would never agree to something like that and mandy moore would never let him. not that i blame federer. just that i blame nike for ruining sports and tiger for ruining my life. and i blame yahoo for only liking american sports. if you're going to cover a soccer game, yahoo, do it because drogba scored the sweetest goal ever. don't do it because your boyfriend tiger woods happened to be at the stadium.

they're called hyperlinks, dude, and they're all over this thing

2006-09-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

andy roddick: he's no allen iverson, but he makes better commercials than allen iverson. this year's us open commercials had been a disappointment with two exceptions: sharapova's nike commercial (specifically because it was so un-nike) and the roddick v pong commercial. then roddick made it to the finals. during the final, lexus finally replayed all the roddick commercials from a year ago. unfortunately i could only find one online. why are they hiding the rest? but i think you only need to see one to understand why these commercials may be some of the best commercials ever. those roddick commercials are like anti-commercials: they have nothing to do with cars or tennis. they're so funny and confusing (or funny because they're confusing). i love those commercials.

but then my paranoia sets in. fact: lexus commercials aren't made for their entertainment value; they're made to sell cars. why is lexus trying to sell me, or someone like me, a car? what kind of market research did lexus do to identify my specific demographic and to know what kind of commercial would work on us (me and my demographic)? i'm guessing they read my myspace profile. ever since fox bought myspace i've been worrying about this kind of thing happening. i have another idea of how lexus figured me out, but i'm worried to reveal it for fear of looking too paranoid.

but i am paranoid so here it is:

one day i decided to see if someone had already dedicated a website to me without me knowing. typing in brianwood.com transported me here. at first i was surprised how much information there was about me; then i realized the website was for another brian wood (not to be confused with the brian wood who painted this or the brian wood who looks like this). after browsing through the website, my paranoia set in. this other brian wood was a lot like me--we both need corrective lenses, we've both had scratched corneas, we like some of the same movies, music and books. a little freaked out about having the same name and a number of shared(?) experiences with this other brian, i was blown away when i saw the t-shirts he designed.

you're probably like, "state-shirts? who fucking cares?" well, i do. a few years ago i treid to collect state-themed shirts from all 50 states plus washington dc since i already owned one and puerto rico since guy was wearing one the last time i saw fugazi (the photo linked is of the actual puerto rico shirt). my logic: if i owned all 50+ state-shirts i could plan my wardrobe months in advance--i'd wear them alphabetically, in the order they were accepted into the union, geographically (probably west to east) and so on. the possiblities were endless and i'd never waste another hour in the morning deciding what not to wear. i aquired 22 different state-shirts before giving up. imagine how i felt when i found this guy who shares my name and many of my experiences and makes state-shirts--state-shirts i would have bought if i was still pursuing my state-shirt goal (but i wouldn't have paid what he was asking). i know i'm paranoid but this is fucked up. later i found out that this other brian wood didn't love star wars episode iii and realized we weren't anything alike.

i know none of this has anything to with roddick or tennis, but, taking my sports writing cues from nesbitt--a paid sports-writer for foxsports--i'm spending half the piece telling jokes that only i get (and possibly aaron and the other brian wood who may actually be me in the future or me in a kind of twin earth called twearth where everything is the same except i'm older and a successful comic artist).

back to roddick:

while researching this piece about roddick, i came across a number of helpful websites. this guy thinks those lexus commercials are stupid. what i think is stupid: calling your blog miscellania from josh. this guy thinks they suck too but he names his blog after himself. what an idiot. i found this interview where roddick admits to watching porn with his brother. i think this is a joke, but i can't prove it. if it's a joke, andy roddick is obviously cool; if it's the truth, he might be kind of creepy. well, that depends on what they were watching.

actually, i need to establish why i was researching all this stuff about roddick in the first place. roddick is one of my favorite tennis players for two reasons: (1) the previously mentioned lexus commercials and (2) because he's sponsored by lacoste rather than nike. and because he's such a hunk. here's what i don't like about roddick: jimmy connors is his coach. i mean everyone sees that this is a publicity stunt. all anyone could talk about during the final was how connors-like roddick was playing. i didn't buy it. roddick played surprisingly well--even looking like he might beat federer late in the third set--but that had nothing to do with jimmy connors and everything to do with mandy moore.

unless you've been in a tennis/mandy moore coma for the last few years, you know that mandy moore and andy roddick were an item affectionately called (m)andy. it was after she dated fez but before she dated scrubs. (m)andy broke up a minute ago--like 2004 or something. andy was the one who put a stop to (m)andy. he just couldn't handle the hollywood thing. after the break up, andy's tennis went down hill. clearly he regretted the break up. sure he had to put up with the hollywood thing, but they were totally in love. he made a mistake and there was nothing he could do about since mandy was dating zach braff. after a number of disappointing tennis tournaments, roddick took a short break to recover from a sore back which was a euphemism for a broken heart.

mandy moore was pretty broken up about the break up too. in this interview i read, when asked how she's doing since the (m)andy break up she responded, "i'm okay. i'm good." i nearly cried when i read her answer. it was devestating like an elizabeth bishop poem. anytime you repeat yourself like mandy moore did it's because you're trying to convince yourself of something that isn't true.

but things are looking up. mandy moore broke things off with zach braff. the claimed an age difference. i'm no mandy moore but i'd break up with zach because he's pretentious. then, in the middle of july, (m)andy were seen together eating lunch. allegedly she couldn't keep her eyes off him (but who could?). after that roddick won the cinncinati open and placed second at the us open. in his post-final interview, roddick credited much of his success to a special friend. dusty thinks he was talking about agassi. someone named tracy thinks he was talking about sharapova (who he is not dating). but i know he was talking about mandy moore.

andy roddick is back and he'll continue to be the wind beneath my wings.

frisbee masters - disc shaped sweetness

2006-09-14T00:33:00.000-07:00

i'm blessed with two talents. one, extreme athletic ability. two, amazing mastery of video editing. don't shit your shorts when you see how rad this first video came out.

It's All Over When the Fat Lady Freaks Out

2006-09-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

I went to another sibling's soccer game. It was a while ago, but I took good notes (much to my own detriment, because I ended up getting hit in the face with the ball. What can I say, I'm dedicated to This Guy...play it cool...).

I noticed the major difference between male and female sports (at least at this young age) is the vernacular. The word "sorry" seems to come up a lot more in girls' peewee. For example, "Sorry! I missed the ball!" or "Sorry! You were going for that, but then I got in your way and we ended up colliding!" or "Sorry, other team! I took the ball away from you and I knew you were so excited to make that winning goal! I'm sorry to ruin your day and possibly your entire life!" I fear for these girls. Compared to the boys' frequent use of "Come ON!"s instead of displaying any sort of sympathy to their teammates' feelings, I think the girls might suffer from low self-esteem and will definitely suffer in the workplace.

Another major difference between boys and girls soccer is their use of their bodies. Girls seem to be much more hesitant. This might have something to do with how apologetic they are to get in the way, but it also has to do with being terrified of the ball. I honestly saw someone duck under the ball instead of head it. A few girls turned their back on it and get a ball to the butt. Butting the ball, as you can imagine, gives you much less control than kneeing/heading/chesting/etc. Your 13-year-old butt, with all its unexpected and unfortunate curves, is far less predictable.

My favorite (for writing purposes) and most detested (for human purposes) fan at this game was a lady sitting on one of those tiny lawn chairs that lazy people bring with them when they know they have to wait in a long line. And...I don't know how, or want, to put this delicately....she was fat. Like, way huge. Like, overwhelmingly obese. And she was sitting on the sidelines screaming at everyone. She screamed at the players - "GET TO THAT BALL! DON'T BE A SISSY!" - she screamed at the fans - "GET YOUR CHILD OFF THE FIELD!" - and she screamed at the ref - "HOLY CRAP! WHO'S PAYING YOUR SALARY? GIVE ME A BREAK!". [all direct quotes] Again, this woman didn't appear to have a child on the team. Later my sister informed me that she was indeed related to a player, but said player wasn't there that day and the woman came anyway. She's their number one fan that they all wish they didn't have (including, I'm sure, her daughter). She made me pray (literally. I prayed to God) for a win with good calls so we didn't have to see her horrible overreaction at the end. She was one of those people that always make remarks under her breath and then turns to you like you should respond but you ignore her completely so she just repeats the remarks louder. Luckily, she finally found a comrade to talk to. A man that looked like the boss from the British Office and was always cracking stupid jokes. Fat lady would say something about the ref and Office guy would make a joke. They made a great team.

"We" (Eagles) lost. Fat lady kicked her chair and stormed off.

why do they only show americans?

2006-09-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

there's a lot to hate about the winter olympics: the snow, the snowboarding, how everybody pronounces the name of the city however they want, the uniforms, the ice-dancing, hockey, remembering how much it sucked when the olympics were here in slc, the coke commercials, the visa commercials, the home depot commercials, and on and on. here's my biggest problem: what's the deal with only showing americans? there are other people competing at the olympics.

i like to watch the biatholon but it's never on tv. so i'm usually forced to watch speedskating. that one american is my favorite (i'm not doing any research for this article but you all know who i'm talking about). he's so funny in interviews. he never looks at the camera and gives like two word responses. cbs (or nbs) wants to play up his story--the first black athlete to win an individual medal in winter olympic history--but he refuses to play along. but he still should grow out a beard.

The art of sports writery

2006-09-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you regularly read sports articles on online sports sites such as foxsports or espn (I'm assuming most of you), but for those of you that don't, let me tell you a bit about the writers. They're almost all completely awful. They load their articles with inside jokes and pop culture references about the shitty reality tv shows they watch. They love similes like my sister loves Hanson. Did that last sentence seem irrelevent, retarded and a little embarassing? Good. Then you're starting to understand the sort of tripe you have to bear with when reading an online article about the upcoming football game, the basketball draft or the U.S. Open.

I think there is some sort of simile-per-paragraph quota that sports writers have to reach in order receive their paychecks. And their comparisons usually contain pop culture references that have no bearing on the subject on which they are writing, shed no light the point they are trying to make, and make you worry a bit about what the writers do with their personal time. They might go something like this: "Saying Eli Manning is as good a quarterback as his brother is like saying pre-nose job Ashley Simpson is as attractive as Jessica." Alright, that wasn't a good example, but I don't pay much attention to pop culture (especially to the bits that would make me, a grown man, seem creepy) and I'm not drunk/high right now. It's only 10:00 am.

Anyway, I just read the best (worst) example of the kind of article I just described. It was this one which, eventually, is a bunch of predictions for the week 1 NFL games. I'll give you a minute to read it. Done? Okay. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? I can't believe Foxsports actually posted this thing. What's the deal with the Betty Ford joke (please, God, let it be a joke) that takes up half the article? Anyway, if you got through that part and still had the stomache to continue, this guy (Andy Nesbitt), spits out example after example of the requisite jokes and similes most sports articles contain. He really is a pro. In his short blurbs on each game, he manages to hit on the Big Three of the sports simile trifecta: the Irrelevent (see Cleveland vs. New Orleans and Dallas vs. Jacksonville), the Creepy Pop Culture (see Atlanta vs. Carolina and Philadelphia vs. Houston) and the Emberassing Similes (see Baltimore vs. Tampa Bay and Indianapolis vs. New York Giants). And, in one master stroke, he lumped the Holy Trinity of Sports Similes into the rare, vomit-inducing Godhead Simile (see Minnesota vs. Washington). Wow. I'm in awe that people like Mr. Nesbitt get paid to write this stuff. But, I take solice in knowing he's not being paid enough to buy an ipod (see Denver vs. St. Louis).

Amazing Osterag Watercolor Paintings

2006-09-08T10:11:00.001-07:00

For my inaugural post I wanted something to commemorate my dedication to GSW forward Ike Diogu, a man with a boy's face and a god's skill on the court. But while searching I found something even more magical and awesome. Watercolor paintings of Utah Jazz center Greg Ostertag. Holy cow they're great.

(many more wonderful basketball and sports related awesome pics, including a shot of kazaam underpants, here)

i'm sorry, nadal

2006-09-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

rafael nadal is out of the us open. he lost to this russian named youzhny. youzhny played great and had a nice beard, but i'm still heartbroken. he's my favorite tennis player and easily the best-looking person in the history of the world. plus, check out his outfit for the us open. i think it's pretty cool looking. anyways, it was tied 1-1 and the 3rd set went to tie-break. it was 6-6 and youzhny had the sweetest shot to win the set. then nadal went down 5-0 in the 4th set and i could feel my heart sinking. it looked for like 2 minutes like he was going to come back, but then youzhny finished him off. the best part about the match was that after he won, youzhny put his racket on his head and saluted the crowd. he did it 4 times -- once to each side.

now sharapova is playing against golovin. i hope sharapova wins because she has a butterfly pin in her hair. not because of her camera commercial. that's like the stupidest commercial ever. but her butterfly pin... it's sweet.

Imaginary football

2006-09-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

I manage a fantasy football league and we recently held our draft. This is the story I posted at the league site. The Brother's Wood asked me to post it here despite my protests that the only ones interested in it would be those who participate in the league. For the rest of you, it will seem senseless and tedious. Anyway, for those of you who haven't participated in a (good) fantasy football league, this is what you're missing out on.

The draft has come and gone without much of a hitch. I was worried, though. We started late, the site kept reloading, I was sure it would crash at any minute. As the draft got going, my apprehension built. I was drafting for two teams, you see, while making the picks for the computerless. I was a fidgity ball of nerves. Then, much to my relief, bluebeard's beard--old reliable--drafted a defense with his third pick. This beacon of familiarity guided me to a state of profound calm, letting me know that everything would be just fine. And they were.

I was glad so many of you (eight, eventually) could make it to my folks' place. We had a good time, we laughed, we joked and, I like to think we learned a little. I know I did. Here are five things I learned:

1. Even though I thought 4 of bluebeards' first 5 picks were crazy, there may have been some method to his madness. He's not super deep at any position, but he's got good starters across the board and has great prospects for the future. This is his best team yet.
2. Your fantasy friends are a rollicking good time, but they'll stab you in the back. After expressing my displeasure when mt heart attack grabbed Santonio Holmes in the 10th round, my dear brother, realizing my next choice for a rookie receiver was Greg Jennings, snaked him out from under me two picks later. I got him back in the 12th when I counselled him to avoid Jerry Porter then grabbed him with my next pick. In the 14th, I recommended to Aaron that he draft rookie TE Joe Klopfenstien, even helping him spell the name out in the player search. Two seats away, and two picks before, Ryan pulled the trigger before Aaron got the chance. That bastard.
3. Bribing Chad to put me at the start of the draft doesn't pay. Fine. I didn't bribe him, but I did get the first pick and used it on Reggie Bush. Exciting, sure, but my receivers took a major hit when I only got to pick one between the first overall pick and the 48th. Consequently, this may be my weakest team since I started this league.
4. A good draft doesn't always equal a good team. I actually learned about this phenomenon last year. I thought I had the perfect team last year and would steamroll my way to the league title. Eventually, I snuck into the playoffs with a 6-7 record and was destroyed in the first round. The way I see it, since this draft was terrible, that pretty much makes me a shoe-in for a great year. Lock it up!
5. Aaron likes to sing along with the Beach Boys. And I like to listen.

That's it. Feel free to share any draft lessons you learned. Also, don't forget to vote in the new "best draft" poll. I may be inclined to bestow an "honor" on the winner if enough of you participate.

Here are the responses I got:

6. Laying off the beer doesn't necessarily mean you'll have a great draft. Oh sweet, sweet beer. I promise I'll never neglect you again.

7. Those damn backups who get traded sure are awesome. Man, I'd love to have some awesome. I'm talking Ashley Lelie, Kevan Barlow, TJ Duckett. Get 'em while they're not hot, folks. They'll warm up later.

and

8. never overthink (or maybe over-think) the draft. while i was busy dafting gavin put in this lars von trier movie called manderlay. it turned out to be amazing (not only amazing but mindblowing or maybe mind-blowing]) so i couldn't concentrate on the draft. this, i think, vastly improved my draft.
9. if you're going to post message responses you should probably do so under your own name. but i just realized i'm logged in under aaron's name and it seems like too much w[o]rk to switch it.

If this article didn't pique your interest in fantasy sports--and I would certainly understand why--let me say that fantasy sports are an excellent way to learn about and gain interest in a sport. They give you a reason to pay attention to a sport, it's players, and it's rules. And as Brian's last article (or, the explanatory post-article comment response[my interpretation of it, at least]) pointed out, gaining an understanding of a particular sport goes a long way towards appreciating it.

a (late) visit from world cup

2006-08-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

after the world cup i had this idea for a physical version of this blog. the idea was to compile the best world cup related articles from this guy knows what i'm talking about, make about a million photocopies of said articles and distribute them (possibly at gas stations). but i haven't been very motivated this summer. i did, however, sketch out a kind of introduction for this unrealized zine which i had tentatively titled "a visit form world cup." seeing that this zine will never come out, i have decided to post the introduction with the hopes of getting our five readers excited about the real football season which just started. so read this and then watch some (unamerican)football games or don't read this and watch some (unamerican)football games because they're fucking awesome. but don't just settle for the dog and pony show (is that the right phrase?) they call the mls.

a visit from world cup

i have an urge to make these introductory remarks simply a list of reasons why (unamerican)football is the best sport in the world. i think that hypothetical list would look something like this (but while this list is numbered it is not numbered in order of importance):

1. unlike the major sports in the us, the world cup winner can realistically claim to be world champions.

2. while most ignoramouses complain about (unamerican)football is boring, it's actually the least boring sport to watch because:
2a. there are no commercials
2b. there are no timeouts
2c. there are no significant stoppages of play
2d. the action is non-stop

i'm sort of over this list idea. i think i would rather compare and contrast (unamerican)football with the major us sports--baseball, basketball and (american)football-- in terms of boredom.

baseball, to the casual fan, is nearly unbearable to watch. the pitcher nods off seven different pitches from his catcher, goes into his eighteen second pre-pitch stretch, holds it and finally throws home. at this point it's either a ball or a foul ball. then the enitre routine is repeated except the pitcher adjusts his hat for twominutes before even looking towards the catcher. plus it's like ten minutes in between every half-inning and don't even get me started on mid-inning pitcher changes. what are bullpens for if the relief pitcher is going to throw twenty warmup pitches once he's in the game? don't forget conferences at the mount, base-runners changing their batting gloves, pickoff attempts, batters calling timeouts and throwing around the horn. with all this time-wasting it's a wonder baseball games ever finish . . . under four hours.

basketball: if bill walton is one of the announcers, just turn off your tv. if not, it's still probably a good idea to turn off your tv or get some coffee because i don't know how you're going to stay awake during this snooze-fest. basketball is the only sport that i'm aware of where "tv timeouts" are inserted to borify any action. past that it's all twenty second timeouts (which are more like a minute), fouls, defensive three seconds and half-times with the worst kinds of player profiles imaginable. but even the game itself is boring: walking the ball up the court, throwing into the post, waiting for the double-team, kicking it out to someone who misses a jumper, rebound and repeat. (there are two exceptions to boring basketball--the suns [specifically steve nash] and allen iverson.)

(american)football: i saw a commercial the other day for some sort of nfl tv package where you could watch 8 games at once. they also offered a feature where you can watch an already finished game with all the inaction taken out--no commercials, no timeouts and not even huddles. you can watch an entire (american)football game--every single play--in about a half-hour. if every game last over three hours but there is only a half-hour of action, wtf am i watching for over two-and-a-half- hours? answer: commercials (and never good ones, except that one with peyton manning), replays of every play (sometimes multiple replays), official replays (as in when teams challenge a call using instant replay), huddles, substitutions, tv analysts with their in-depth reporting on the sidelines (i use in-depth and reporting loosely) and shots of bored fans.

the consensus: anybody who complains about(unamerican)football being boring is (1) a liar, (2) unaware of (unamerican)football and simply repeating what they hear on sports radio or (3) evil. the real reason there is such an effort to discredit (unamerican) football is because it's so hard to advertise during matches.

Give me a V-I-P

2006-08-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

I'm about Pee Wee-ed out.

The other day I drove my brother up to his soccer game in Heber - he only puked blue Gatorade twice on the way up. Here's the low down, bullet style:

-Anthony rocks (pronounced Antony, of course). His overly enthusiastic father who was so into the game you would think Anthony's million dollar sponsorship was dependent on this one game: Vipers v. Cobras (I kid you not).
-My brother plays defense. He likes this best because it means he has to run the least amount.
-The grown man in the Hawaiian shirt and super short khaki cutoffs perched on his lawn chair next to me didn't appear to have a child on the team, but he was no less interested than any of the soccer moms. He must have had money on it or something, because he had a few potentially embarrassing run-ins with the refs.
-Best part? Bananas at half time and cookies and root beer afterward. Enough for all us die-hard fans. Also, pee wee sports gives me another excuse to head on down to my Uncle Tomasso's Italian ice place for some free celebration goods. (Uncle Tomasso is totally not Italian. He's fronting for the cash! Scummy or just plain good business?)
-Vipers won, if you were wondering. Were you sitting next to me on this park bench right now you would see me raising the roof in triumph.

he is some nice looking young talent

2006-08-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

this wasn't supposed to be the title, but the commentator just said this in the basketball game i'm watching. this probably doesn't seem funny yet, but just let me set up a little context. the game i'm watching is italy v senegal in the world basketball whatevers, so you need to remember that the color analyst is talking about an hunky italian forward. also, you have to hear this guy: whenever he comments on anything the italians do he uses this excited and somewhat breathy voice. i feel like i should have a punchline to kind of sum everything up, but i don't know how to do a punchline here. but you get it, the analsyt is crushin on the italian. i mean he just said he's got a sweet stroke in his breathy voice.

the actual title: 1, 2, 3, usa!

i saw the most touching piece about team usa (basketball) on espn prior to the aforementioned game. it was all about the pride to be representing the usa and how coach k is going to masturbate with his gold medal. then they brought on a col. brown, complete with an introduction by coach k saying something about what you learn today is more important than the world champion(something or other)ship. i thought i'd write this entire article sarcasticly (except that first bit is not sarcastic) but this show was too ridiculous. so col. brown started speaking about selfless service and how, i guess, it's the same thing on either the battlefield or the court. that's pretty bad, but it just keeps getting worse. then col. brown told some story about a soldier who took shrapnel or something to save his platoon(?). but then the soldier was sitting right there in the room, and he was also blinded by his anjury, but he wasn't just blind but actually lost his eyes, not only that, he wears two glass eyes, and then col. brown talked about how he wanted to stay in the army . . . blind.

that's about as bad as it gets.

but then it got worse.

the camera cuts away to d wade who is crying, then we see a shot of chauncey billups crying, but then a shot of gilbert arenas not crying (and possibly looking disinterested). right now, gilbert arenas is my favorite player on usa basketball. then after the speech(?), the basketball players were able to comment on the story and d wade makes some speech(?) about the personal pride he feels when he wears the usa jersey and how he and officer blind (i didn't get his name, i just got that he was blind but still wanted to serve) were alike and so on. [from the story that opened the article: the commentator just admitted to having many "issues."] then officer blind watches(?) a usa basketball practice but with headphones with running commentary from d wade. after the game gilbert arenas walked over to the blind guy and the blind guy just felt his chest and asked about the chest brace gilbert was wearing. gilbert arenas was kind off creeped out.

so gilbert arenas is still my favorite player on usa basketball.

the real zidane story

2006-08-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

it's been months since the controversial end of the world cup and zidane's career. after sifting through all the testimonies and all the footage, the truth of what happened comes out. turns out zidane is a terrorism stopper, not supporter.

if you think that cat terrorist is cute, go to kittenwar.com and vote for her.

nominations by becky

2006-08-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

this fittest list is brilliant. mainly because i'm going to take it as an opportunity to perv all over this blog. i'm sorry if that was not the list's function or design. i can't help myself. a few of the fittest men that i would have nominated have already made the list (andy roddick, david beckham), but I have come up with a few more for consideration. this wasn't easy, considering the vast number of attractive athletes. italy's soccer team also made it difficult. here are my nominations (in no particular order):

1. jeff francoeur--right fielder for the atlanta braves 6'4", 220lbs, 22 years old, with a yearly salary of almost $400,000. perrrfect. look at me

2. fabio grosso--left back, left wing for italy 6'3", 181 lbs, a fellow sagitarrean, also born in the year of the snake (it's like we're soul mates!). and look at that skin! check me out

3. andrea barzagli--center back for italy 6'1", 174lbs. sure, he only played in 2 games out of the entire world cup, but he's just so pretty! what's up with these italians? mmm mm

4. bucky lacek--skate. he has been my favorite skater ever since i knew he existed. it started out because we shared a name. having grown up with the nickname bucky, i became an instant fan. later, i found out he was extremely attractive and that was the icing on the cake (for those of you who like cake, or more specifically icing [i don't really]). oh, and he's also just so good at what he does. it's bucky

5. Mike Mason--FMX. this year was his first time in the x games and he did a great job. he looked great doing it too. he also looked great in this photo i took with him (other people have been removed from the photo to protect the innocent). how YOU doin?

6. Kelly Slater--Surf. one of the greatest surfers of all time. possibly the greatest? i don't know. but he's tasty and his girlfriend is a total babe. he can also surf amazingly on some seriously crap waves. do you like what you see?

7. Dynaformer--horse. a thoroughbred stallion (like some of these other guys). what a stud! he has won over $650,000 in 30 races. not only that, but his offspring have won over 3.7 million this year alone. according to wikipedia, this makes dynaformer one of the united states' leading sires in terms of offspring's winnings. does the word "sire" make anyone else think of vampires? no other buffy geeks here? okay! buh bye. serve me up some of THAT

update on ricky williams

2006-08-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

the update is that not only is he the coolest football player ever (see you later, karl mecklenberg), he's also the unluckiest. i mean, espn demonizes a lot of players, but those players don't always end up suspended for a year. and those players don't always end up getting ridiculed by joe (fat-faced) theismann. and they don't usually end up breaking their arms.

after receiving his one-year suspension from the nfl some of the canadian teams starting looking into signing them. they don't pay as much as the nfl, but they also don't have a drug policy. that makes it a nice place for ricky to stay in football shape for the year. he was signed by the toronto argonauts which is a way cooler name than any nfl team has including the cleveland browns and the san diego chargers. anyways, they signed him to a one-year contract with the permission of the miami dolphins for like $300,000 or something.

right after he signed the contract, joe theismann spoke out against the move, saying, "This is a feeble excuse for the Toronto Argonauts to sell tickets. I am embarrassed to have worn that ‘A’ on my helmet, to think that they would stoop to this level to sell tickets, to bring in someone who is not worthy of playing professional football. It’s a damn shame that the Toronto Argonauts would not show a lot more class and pass on somebody who has been a repeat drug offender. I don’t ever want to be mentioned in the same breath as Ricky Williams as a football player."

this guy knows what i'm talking about has already discussed the problems with suspending ricky williams here and here. so obviously we (as in me and brian and possibly others) are upset that theismann gets to talk about ricky like that. just because his name rhymes with heisman, he thinks he can say whatever he wants about mr. williams. while it's true that the argonauts probably signed ricky with hopes that he would both help the team win and help the organization sell more tickets, how is he not worthy of playing professional football? he doesn't beat his wife. he doesn't get in motorcycle wrecks without helmets. he doesn't take steroids. he doesn't have a gambling problem. he doesn't perform leud acts at a boat party. he doesn't brandish fire arms if he gets upset. so give me a break, theismann, he's not a bad guy. maybe you're just upset because your son does coke.

anyways, ricky started playing in the cfl (canadian football league). in case you're curious, the cfl is a different game of football from the nfl. the field is 110 yards long with 20 to 25 yard-long end zones instead of 100 yards with 10 yard-long endzones. the field is also 11 2/3 yards wider than in the nfl. they only have 3 downs instead of 4. they can kick field goals in the middle of plays after they already pass the line of scrimmage. the teams have 12 players which usually means that they have 2 tailbacks. multiple players can be in motion at the same time and players in the backfield can even be in motion toward the line of scrimmage when the ball is snapped. there's no fair catches and less timeouts, although the clock stops after every play during the last 3 minutes of each half.

in his first 4 games ricky had two different games where he rushed 18 times for 97 yards which isn't so bad. but he also had two games where he had a combined 20 yards on 17 carries. to his credit though, his team was playing from behind so they didn't run very much. he also had 7 catches in 4 games. so he wasn't playing spectacular, but he was doing okay. and then in game 5 during the first half, he put his arm down to break his fall and fractured it. he seems to be recovering ahead of schedule and he's in great spirits according to an article on cfl.ca.

seriously though, ricky can't catch a break. it breaks my heart, but he's a fighter and that's the best we've got. don't worry ricky, some people still think you're super-cool.

mad phat dope sick ill fresh wicked bad rockin rad

2006-08-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending the U.S. Open of Surfing in Huntington Beach. It was sick! The US Open is the highest rated qualifying surf event for men and women in North America. It's also the most heavily attended (you can imagine what this does to parking on my street). This year the U.S. Open went hand in hand with the Beach Games (do they always? I don't know). The Beach Games featured skateboarding, BMX, FMX and beach volleyball. I was hoping to get some interview time with some of the greats like Kelly Slater, Andy Irons, and Rob Machado, but to no avail. Kelly Slater and Andy Irons didn't even compete (WTF?) and Rob entered the competition late and surfed the early morning heats (and who expects me to get up at 8:00am to see those?). But overall, the whole weekend was great. Sofia Mulanovich won the women's open. She surfed amazingly, and the Americans loved her accent. Rob Machado rocked it, coming out on top after losing last year in a close final with Andy Irons. Roy Powers came in second, much to the dismay of many of the ladies (who don't care how well he can surf, just that he looks pretty doing it [not that he can't surf]).

To get a feel for how things went, I have included some of the highlights of the weekend, and some things that overshadowed the games.

Hightlights

1. Getting hooked up with VIP passes (in a way which didn't involve sleeping with powerful men) . These things were like gold. Most of the athletes couldn't even go where we went. We spent parts of the day in the Surfer's lounge drinking Sobes and eating some new brand of chip that some moto x guy just came out with.

2. The O'Neill Tow At aerial demonstration. Several of the best "radical surfers" were there, being towed by jet skis, which launched them into insane maneuvers. Also, watching that one dude surf right through the pier. That was crazy.

3. Sitting at the beach for hours, soaking up the sun and watching the sports (and probably getting cancer).

4. Watching the Grand Master skate-off at the Soul Bowl.

5. Meeting skaters, surfers, FMX and BMXers who's names I don't know and really don't care about.

6. Seeing the Huckin Chicken (Jeff "Ox" Kargola) in action! woohoo! I had that Burger King Huckin Chicken song in my head the entire weekend. Which was annoying for everyone considering I don't know any words except for "big huckin chicken". I barely know the tune.

There were a few things that I felt overshadowed the games. Here they are in all their (non) glory.

1. The shameless amount of promotions EVERYWHERE. Granted, from an advertising perspective, this was brilliant. There were tents all over the beach which offered free stuff--hats, wristbands, airbrush tattoos, keychains, drinks, etc. Everyone on the beach became billboards and bumperstickers. Hot girls wearing practically nothing, with O'Neill airbrushed across their stomachs? You know people are looking at that! Attractive men wearing Corona hats? Beer never sounded so good! Genius! It made me want to puke. Until I got my pink Tonik senorita trucker hat that I am completely in love with. But, hey, at least I'm representing health insurance!

2. The Secret Machine. WTF? Everywhere I turned I saw hats and t-shirts saying "the machine is NOT evil", or protestors toting signs that said "stop the machine" or "the machine is evil". What is this secret machine, you might wonder. Secret Machine is a new surf film by Globe. Sonny Miller was hired to work on the film and recently disassociated himself with it, making this statement:

"I'm all for pushing things forward" says Miller, "but to develop some kind of secret machine that spits out surf films is taking progression way too far. It's just not true to the essence of what we do and now that I know what their intentions are, I won't be a part of it any more. I think the machine is evil."

Since then, he has been organizing boycotts and protests to the film. I was curious to find out what the fuss was about (i.e. what the hell is he talking about? i mean, could he be more vague?). After some scanty research online, I found this statement that Globe made in response:

"Don't believe Sonny Miller. For over 20 years, Globe has stood for quality and innovation, but today, our reputation has been attacked by Sonny Miller, the renowned surf cinematographer and recent member of our Surf Film crew, in allegations made against our methods and principles. Sonny Miller has filed claims and made public statements featuring misinformation about Globe and its upcoming Surf Film, to be released July 29th 2006 in Laguna Beach, CA. Globe strongly objects to the claims and encourages the surfers everywhere to make up their own minds."

I still have no idea what is going on. Machine? What does said machine do that is so evil? I found a statement from a "concerned group" which said:

"We know Globe is releasing its film with some very disturbing secret machine generated surfing in it," said Peter Townend of the ActivEmpire, a brand management, athlete representation and events consultancy. Adding, "It's like taking those dream cartoons you used to doodle on your school notebook and turning them into life. It's completely killing the soul of the surf video."

Wow, this sounds serious. The constant use of the words secret machine was leading me to believe this was some big crazy joke or publicity stunt. I mean "secret machine"? "disturbing"? Is it the last days? I asked some protestors "what's the machine?" and they couldn't even answer me. They had no clue! All they did was hand me a flyer and tell me to read the second paragraph (because they had no clue!). I finally found something that alluded to what the secret machine was/does. "An advanced, machine-generated light and sound experience". Ahhhh. Okay. So...to sum up, after extensive research, I've come to the conclusion that the only people who even care or understand (care) what this is about are a few surfers (obviously not the ones in the film) and filmmakers (obviously not the ones who made it). I would probably totally care if someone would actually explain it to me. Thanks for almost ruining my weekend by making me do research.

war on doping

2006-08-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

IAAF (The International Association of Athletics Federations) president Lamine Diack said on the governing body's Web site: "Although it is a matter of deep regret that one of the biggest stars of our sport is facing serious doping charges, I would take this opportunity to emphasize the IAAF's total commitment to the fight against doping.
"In order to defend the credibility of our sport, we will engage all our efforts, in co-operation with partners such as USADA, to defend the majority of athletes who are clean, against those who break our anti-doping rules."

you may think that this is another post about Mr. Barry Bonds, but it's not. This post is actually about the 100-metre co-world record holder Justin Gatlin (he's also an olympic gold medalist in sprinting).

I personally feel that there's no indication that Brother Gatlin has been doping at all. I may even write him a letter suggesting that he contact the ACLU to see if they can investigate whether his civil liberties have been trampled on. Gatlin has accepted that something out of the ordinary was found in a recent drug test, but can't explain why the unordinary substance was found. His coach took a daring step and alleged that it was Gatlins masseur (whom apparently has a diabolical vendeta against Gatlin) that rubbed the steroid cream into Gatlin's legs without Gatlin knowing it. I think that's a buyable story, I mean someone is to blame right? We all know the masseus had opportunity, and apparently motive. I just have a hard time overlooking the fact that Gatlin's coach Trevor Graham has been involved with "at least a half-dozen other athletes who have received drug suspensions" (quoted from http://www.tsn.ca/olympics/news_story/?ID=173084&hubname= )

All in all, this whole story leaves me wondering if the IAAF's "war on doping" will be as effective as the USA's War on Drugs, or War on Terror have been. For the sake of all humanity, let's hope so.

(one of) my nominations for fittest ath-l-ete

2006-08-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that there are just some sports that I'd rather watch women play than men. One of them being basketball. So you can just imagine my joy when the Wnba came to be. With that in mind, I make my first nomination for the vote of hottest ath-l-ete (said with three syllables): Lauren Jackson of the Seattle Storm.

I have a few reasons to vote ms. jackson as the fittest athlete, none of which include that she is currently ranked as the 5th greatest player in the league, or the fact that she's ranked as the best center in the league.

Most of my reasoning is because she is 6'5" tall. I being 6'4" don't find many women that are taller than me, and I think that it's incredible to have a woman of her stature to look up to (literally). She is a perfect definition of an Amazon woman (ok well maybe not perfect, but good enough).

Another reason that I think Ms. Jackson is the fittest athlete is because she looks good in form fitting outfits. I know you're thinking that a lot of athletes can pull it off, but as indicated slightly to the left of these words.... she can really pull it off (and I doubt that anyone would mind if she did).

Lastly, I feel that for any athlete to be nominated as the fittest, they need to have rockin hair. Some may (erroneously) feel that Ms. Jackson has plain drab hair. As you can see from this final picture, not only does she have cool hair, but she uses it as a weapon in her game. Steal the ball from her? She'll whip your eyes out with that flowing mane. Going for a sweet 3-pointer? Not gonna make it with that distraction. She demonstrates fine male peacock abilities to attract attention, making her opponents lose their skills.

anyways, long story made short Ms. Jackson = my first nomination.

making a (sporting) difference

2006-07-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

with the growing success of this guy knows what i'm talking about it's time we (this includes both the writers and readers of this guy knows what i'm talking about as well as the writers and readers friends and/or associates) started making a real difference in the way sports are percieved. i feel like we're off to a good start--defending the so-called indefensible (zidane, bonds and t.o.), rethinking our reasons for the loving the teams we love, highlighting the sports and players blacklisted from espn (specifically football [soccer] and ricky williams)--but it's time to take it to the next level.

so, it's time we created our own fittest athletes list (i'm using fit the same way the streets and ali g do: fit = hot). what i need from you (writers, readers, friends and/or associates) is nominations. after we have a sufficent number of worthy nominations, we'll have have a vote for the fittest athlete.

to get things started, here are some of my nominations (if you want to see what they look like, i suggest googling their names):
christiano ronaldo
rapheal nadal
allen iverson
steve nash
tj ford
ricky williams (but only with a beard)
david beckham
shaq
andy roddick
rasheed wallace
johnny "jesus" damon (in other words, pre-yankees)
leandrino barbosa

i'll add more later. feel free to add your own by either (a) leaving the names in the comment section, (b) emailing me at spacequest2@gmail.com or (c) writing your own atricle arguing for your fittest athletes.

BBs with B.B.

2006-07-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went on a short camping trip with my friend Brittany and was introduced to a sport called "shooting a BB gun at cans." Turns out, I've finally found my niche in the sports world. While Brittany proceeded to pretty much suck ass at shooting the can (in the moment I was a very encouraging friend and said things like "that one was close" and "better luck next time, Tiger." But I was thinking "wow. She totally sucks ass," which is totally weird because her initials are BB so she should probably rock at BB guns.) I ruled at hitting my target. I'm contemplating the idea of becoming an assassin. However, I'm lacking a few essentials: 1) an awesome outfit. I need something vinyl-y and black, probably tight and maybe with a lot of invisible pockets for storing creative weapons. 2) stealth. Let's just say that I creak a lot of boards. 3) A weapon that would cause more damage than a BB gun. That thing was tearing the aluminum can apart, but I think it might not cause enough damage in a gun-for-hire situation. 4) a lack of morals. I'd like to be choosy about who I kill and who I let live, but there's probably not so high a demand for assassins these days and I got to take the work I can get. If this means picking off a starving African orphan infant with autism, that's just the way it's got to be.

After Brittany and I tore up the can to sufficient degrees, we gathered wild flowers and made princess crowns. I totally sucked ass at that and Brittany ruled, so I guess we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

(Brittany just called me - furious - and wants me to admit that she didn't really suck all that much ass and that she was actually pretty good but that I was still really really bad at crown making and she was a pro and so on. She's contemplating serious retaliation.)

In Defense of T.O.

2006-07-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't paid any attention to the National Football League over the last year and a half, let me introduce you to Terrell Owens. T.O., as he has so cleverly been dubbed, is one of the leagues top wide receivers. Part of being a receiver is being a jack-ass--I believe it's in the job description--and Owens is the biggest.

Here are some facts(actually, more like evidence): In just over two years, Owens has seriously damaged three franchises (San Francisco, Baltimore and Philadelphia), seriously insulted two quarterbacks (Garcia and McNabb) and seriously worked out during a press conference (sit-ups in his driveway after being suspended from the Eagles...seriously). In the process, he has become the villain of the league, hated by fans nationwide and subjected to endless articles by enraged sports writers.

So, the league must hate this guy, right? I doubt it. In the era of steroids and headbutts (see articles below) T.O.'s transgressions are relatively mild. If the NFL PR department's biggest worries are the antics of a selfish receiver, they can breathe easy. I wouldn't be surprised if they are encouraging his actions. Not directly, of course, but through media direction.

Here are some more facts: In the past two drafts, the Cinicinnati Bengals have taken five players who have been arrested no fewer than eight times for such things as spousal abuse, assault, robbery, vandalism, drugs and so on (plus, I just found this). This story was featured on sports sites for about a day until T.O. came out and said he was misquoted in his autobiography. Owens regains the spotlight. Funny, but convenient. Just when a real problem rears it's head, in steps Owens to attract all the negative attention to himself. Now, let's get some perspective. Terrell is a terrible teammate (and person, probably), but he's never committed a serious crime (that's been reported). So, if the league isn't pushing the T.O. story, then he must've insulted each and every writer to have earned such ire.

Terrell Owens is a douche-bag, there's no way around it. But is he the Darth Vader (as I believe he stated is his reputation in his book) of football? I guess that depends on your perspective. He is, after all, a "role model for America's youth." And you could certainly say he's teaching children such negative traits as showing off (remember the sit-ups?) and blaming their problems on others (and the book?) Or, you could say he's encouraging physical fitness and creative expression. Perspective.

lion-heart, i love you

2006-07-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

i went to the rocky mountain revue yesterday. it's a summer league that's put on by the utah jazz. first and second year nba players from about 8 teams play their little hearts out at salt lake community college every day for about a week. so greg and i went to see the jazz-hawks game last night. i wanted to go mostly because salim stoudamire plays on the hawks. some of you might remember him from when he played on arizona and others of you might remember him as lion-heart, aka 20-20, from the greatest video game basketball season ever played. don't be sad, brian. salim came in second place in the mvp voting.

anyways, we got to the game just in time for the introductions. i was on the edge of my seat until they failed to mention his name. i soon realized that he wasn't there. i thought for sure that it was a wasted trip to s.l.c.c. until i heard some of the things that people around me were saying. i started asking around for a pen so that i could keep notes. the girl behind me said she might have one in her purse. after she found it she said, "who knows what's in a woman's purse?" to which someone replied, "probably tampons." i hurried and wrote that down so i wouldn't forget. soon after, an ad for dr. phil came over the loudspeaker and the 9 year-old next to me yelled, "yay dr. phil!" maybe this wasn't going to be such a bad game after all. after the first quarter the jazz bear started passing around basketballs to whoever was cheering the most. he gave his last ball to a boy in a wheelchair. i was sure he was doing it to win me over because he heard about my encounter with the real salt lake mascot a few weeks before. i thought, "i can still hate you, jazz bear, even if you give the last ball to a differently-abled kid." then someone said, "what's he going to do with it anyways? probably just drool on it."

the second quarter was well under way and atlanta called a time-out. the jazz bear was coming our direction with this tube that shoots out advertisements. i thought that he was probably coming up to fight me (maybe he and the real salt lake lion are friends?), but then he just shot out a bunch of flyers into the crowd. greg yelled out, "it's pornography!" we then proceeded to make jokes about araujo, the new center for the jazz, by saying things like: "go back to provo," or "go back to brasil," or "why don't you get a tattoo of that shot you just made." he totally deserved it, too, since he clapped his hands after every single play that he was sort of involved in. (i just got really sad thinking about the jazz without ostertag. it's a horrible world where araujo tries to replace ostertag.)

so half-time finally arrived and i started getting (un)excited because they were going to do that thing where they have cute little kids put on adult size uniforms and shoes and then they have to run down the court and make a layup and then the kid that does it first gets to kiss the jazz bear or something and then their parents are really proud of them and then they get to go out for ice cream after the game. there was some lady down there talking to both the kids. we decided that it was probably their mother and that she was saying, "just do your best. whichever one of you wins is the one that i love more." when that was over they started in on the halftime music selection, which i think really matches the hip hop lifestyle of ballers: brittany spears, eye of the tiger, that's the way (uh huh, uh huh) i like it (uh huh, uh huh), etc. the "best" one that they played was a rock version of "the bear necessities" from jungle book while the jazz bear ran around giving bj's to sponsors. at the end of half-time, the girl that i borrowed the pen from told this story to her grandparents, "some guy down there looked at my wrist and asked if i got my bracelet from tiffany's. i said yes and he said that being a jeweler, he notices when something comes from tiffany's."

we spent the rest of the game coming up with nicknames for players. there was a gentleman with the last name edwards, so we kept calling him blue edwards. then a second edwards came on court and so we named him blue edwards ii (pronounced blue edwards the second). there was a guy named bozeman that i switched back and forth between calling him losman and bozemanzadeh. the best one i came up with was that there was this gentleman playing named powell, so i was calling him lake powell. when he shot the ball, greg yelled out, "drain it, lake powell."

also, there was this idiot named violette. greg thought he was like the next karl malone or something, but i thought he was more like the next pat tillman.

not bad, for a game without lion-heart playing.

MLB should ban everything

2006-07-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

With all the hype and hysteria flying around the sports world about the situation Mr. Bonds finds himself in, I've realized that a good resolution for any future mishaps such as this, would be for MLB to ban everything.

I think the first step they should take would be to ban any and all weightlifting and personal training. What's the number one physical stimulant most athletes use to enhance their playing ability and endurance? Exercise. The game would be more pure if the players would rely on their genetic programming and pure natural bodies and abilities. No mucking things up with exercise and training. It's an unfair advantage over those who do let nature run it's natural course. How would the officials monitor this ban? Easy, if you begin to see any rippling muscles, or above average playing ability... they will know that there has been an infraction!

I know a lot of baseball "fans" are upset with Barry because he's hitting lots of home runs, and may eventually pass up old Hank Aaron. They say that he's giving himself an unfair advantage that Hank didn't have. So what? The air was a lot more clean back when Hank played the game. The baseball didn't have to travel through as much crud in the air. Hank didn't have the pressure of Universe wide exposure, and loud "music" and advertisements in his face while trying to play the game. He didn't have to worry about his endorsement deals falling through if his batting average dropped. The worry of islamic terrorists flying a plane into the stadium while he was playing never occured to him. Like him or hate him, Bonds does what he can to get the job done. So let him play, drop the possible indictment for perjury, and stop hasseling him (seriously, now they're going after him for possible tax evasion?)!

There's risks involved in any form of personal enhancement. If players want to alter their physical makeup using steroids, they are risking alot... why not allow them to take the risks if it produces better performance? If other athletes want to compete they will just have to find a way to keep up! Isn't that what "sport" is all about? Doing anything you can to be the best possible player??

move over fatty, there's a new ronaldo in town

2006-07-17T03:59:00.000-07:00

outside of the us, one of the big stories leading up to this year's world cup was the fitness of ronaldo. it was generally agreed that he showed up to the world cup out of his usual shape. many (football) talking heads and (football) fans had given him the nickname of fatty (or in spanish, gordito) because he'd put on a few (or more than a few) pounds. many wondered how he'd compete in this year's world cup: would he be, like the last world cup, incredible or would he even be able to take shots on goal with all his excess fat? then he scored like seven goals even though brazil was eliminated early. even though he now holds the record for career goals in a world cup history, i fear his gordito nickname may still stick.

many are worried that the name ronaldo will no longer be associated with breathtaking play but with overweight football players. not me. this is because this year's world cup opened my eyes to a new ronaldo--a younger, hipper and slimmer ronaldo who can still dazzle football fans with his stunning footwork and ability to dominate matches. this new ronaldo? portugal's christiano ronaldo.

i know this ronaldo has a lot of haters, but seriously, just look at the guy. not only is he the best looking football player in the world (move over david beckham) but he's probably the best looking guy in the world (move over cillian murphy). and he's pretty incredible with the ball. i was going to link to video highlights of ronaldo, but i have no idea how. only aaron knows how to that stuff. so i promise that sometime in the near future i'll put up a link to ronaldo highlights. right now, the picture alone will have to do it for you (it does it for me).

the sweetest thing

2006-07-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

i was at jon littledike's house and he said, "that head-butt was the sweetest thing i've ever seen," and i'm starting to agree with him. perhaps you didn't follow the world cup final very closely and you missed the fact that zinedine zidane, the best french player and one of the best midfielders ever, head-butted marco materazzi in the chest around the 110th minute of the world cup final match. the main ref didn't see it and neither did the line judges, but the 4th judge claims to have witnessed it. i personally believed that he just looked at video footage of it. here's a good view of it in case you missed it. zidane has the best joke right before it happens, too. materazzi was holding his shirt and zidane said, according to the transcript, "if you want my shirt, i'll give it to you after the game."

according to reports, materazzi issued racial slurs of some sort. some reports say that he called zidane a terrorist (because he's a muslim anti-racist from algeria) and others say that he insulted zidane's mother and/or sister. it's not really surprising that it happened. materazzi has been known to heckle players involved in anti-racist campaigns and zidane has been known to react violently in high pressure games (like the 1998 world cup final).

is this incident just a manifestation of the larger problem of racism in football? brian mentioned in an earlier post that european football has suffered numerous instances of racism and dave zirin from edgeofsports.com wrote a great article about the zidane-materazzi encounter. so the only thing i would like to add is that espn is probably racist. in their coverage they briefly mentioned zidane's accusation of being insulted and followed up with a quote from materazzi, "I never called him a terrorist : I am not that educated and I have no idea what would an islamic terrorist be." they treated the quote as if it was the definitive version of what happened and indirectly suggested that zidane was a liar. i'm not excusing zidane. people get upset and they do things that they don't plan on doing. zidane apologized to the fans and the children for getting thrown out but said, "I don't regret anything that happened...because that would mean (Materazzi) was right to say all that."

my initial reaction to the whole thing was that i couldn't believe zidane would do that in his last match as a professional football player. i couldn't believe he would get himself thrown out right before penalty kicks. i couldn't believe that he could head-butt that hard. and then i was sad that he did it. but now, after thinking about it for awhile, i think it's pretty gutsy to head-butt someone in the world cup final. with that much at stake, it's impressive that zidane was willing to take the red card and ejection from the match. it makes the stand that zidane took even bigger. so i agree with jon: that head-butt was the sweetest thing i've ever seen.

put on your game face

2006-07-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

We all have different ways of expressing our excitement about sports. Over the years I have become a sports (non)professional photographer. Instead of focusing on the games or players, though, I have focused on the fans. Here are a few of my favorite pictures from my portfolio. I feel i've really captured these fan's excitement for whatever sporting event they may have been attending, watching, or participating in.

L'Amour

2006-07-10T00:23:00.001-07:00

So, basically all I want to say is that I am probably in love with Raymond Domenech. If we are talking about the best World Cup hair he might take the so-called cake. Those stylish glasses. That snazzy suit. He stole my heart.

Also, a pressing question on my mind: headbutts. Cool or uncool? Those insufferable American announcers seemed to suggest that no, head butts are "unclassy" or "ugly," but I tend to think that there is something very classy and beautiful about head butts if you are a football player. Anyone else will take a swing at you, but a World Cup Football Athlete will drive his abnormally large head into your chest. Bitchin'.

living a world cup life

2006-07-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

the world cup seems so far away from us. that's because it is. it's in germany. and we're not. but it seems far away for other reasons besides just geographical ones. it seems far away because not very many people in america seem to care about the world cup. it seems far away because espn does a horrible job covering it. it seems far away because the best announcers speak spanish. on sunday, while the world minus america is watching the world cup, i'll be doing more than just watching it. i'll be trying to bring the world cup closer to home. since we can't go to germany we have to bring germany to us. and i'm not talking about rebuilding the berlin wall along the mexico border. i'm talking about getting world cup haircuts. today brian and i played two video game football matches. in the first match i got blown out and it's because his star player had a blonde stripe dyed on the top of his head. the second game i won because brian wasn't trying. the point is that you need a world cup haircut to accomplish world cup things. the world cup happens every four years, but we can make every day a world cup day. we are in a position to always keep the world cup in our hearts and in our hair. are you going to the grocery store today? why not do it with a world cup haircut? are you going rollerskating? do it with a world cup attitude. are you getting your pictures taken? get them taken with little kids that you don't know. live a world cup life. you won't be sorry.

are you wondering what a world cup haircut is? it's up to you. world cup haircuts are about doing whatever you want with your hair. i've documented myself and some of my friends with our idea of what a world cup haircut might be. i was going to try to take the picture of a gentleman that i saw in fred meyer when i was in portland last month, but then i thought he might think it was rude if i went up to him and asked, "hey, is that a world cup haircut and can i take your picture?" i regret backing out. because if i hadn't, i'd not only have one more picture to post, but i'd have a picture of the best world cup haircut that i've seen. i tried to make up for it by asking this kid if i could take a picture of his hat.

send us a picture of your world cup hairstyle or lifestyle!

letters to espn

2006-07-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

after a month of watching world cup matches on espn i could no longer watch quitely; i had to send espn a letter (or more correctly, an email)of complaint. here it is, in its entirety:

dear espn (and most espn-related stations including but not limited to espn2, espnews, espn.com and espn classic, but excluding espn deportes),

since this is an internet communication, w'stfd with your world cup coverage? i understand that due to the lack of football interest here in the us, this is not a big money competition. and i understand that since football is the major sport everywhere else in the world, espn does not receive preferential treatment for its coverage (because there are probably a thousand sports stations in the world whose coverage will have more viewers than espn's). understandably you're bitter about the world cup. but how about a little professionalism? i mean, where did you dig up these old fossils as commentators? i'm beginning to wonder if the any of the play-by-play guys have ever even watched a football match (and i'm wondering if the color commentators have watched a game outside of the mls in the last four years). besides tommy smith you all have got nothing. i learn more about the players and teams watching the spanish channel and i don't even know spanish.

also, what's up with your constant discrediting of the officials? i never see you rasie the same concerns during the nba playoffs (which are obviously rigged).

and how come you couldn't even spring for a set in germany? you're espn, the world leader in sports.

this terrible coverage has me asking some tough questions about espn: is the coverage so bad because football is a team sport so it becomes difficult to lionize individual players like you do in other sports(who also are in the commercials during breaks in sportscenter)? is it because football matches don't allow for maximum commercials? maybe you should change you tagline from the world leader in sports to the corporate america's leader in sports.

anyway, football is here to stay so i suggest you up your product.

thank you for your time,
brian wood

ps tell all your radio show hosts that football isn't more boring than other sports. it's quite the contrary. baseball is like 5 minutes of nothing for every 30 seconds of play, american football is mostly huddles and time-outs and basketball is all free-throws and commercial breaks (with the occasional pump-up song fed in through the pa).

Soccer is for Suckers (and Freedom-Haters)

2006-07-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not a huge soccer fan. There. I said it. In the middle of what seems to be the coolest thing anyone has ever watched on planet Earth in the history of television and I don't even like it a little bit. This might date back to being the very most least talented girl on every one of my soccer teams and spending most of my time on the sidelines cheering for peers that were not only better at soccer, but probably better at life. I always had to play defense (being too slow for offense), and I couldn't kick the ball up in the air, so trying to "clear it" meant that it rolled a few feet in front of me (usually towards the center of the field, due to lack of aim) before the other team got possession again. And that was when I actually made contact with the ball. In second grade my parents used to pay me a nickle for every time I kicked the ball in a game. And when I got old enough to process kicking the ball as an internal reward, I did that thing where you go to kick and your foot just goes completely over the ball, sometimes causing you to trip and fall on your ass. That sweet move has some clever name, I think, but I'm so indifferent to soccer that I'm not even going to look it up.

Another reason I might not be that into soccer is that I'm an American. I don't know how many people reading this are very familiar with my country, but we don't like soccer. We don't like it so much that we ostracized it through semantics from the rest of the world. And even if we did like soccer, we're not very good at it, so we're out like that (I clapped. I didn't snap because, like my soccer skills, my snapping skills are minimal). And I don't think I need to remind you in the this holiday season that no countries are as good as America. In fact, all countries but America suck. They use the metric system. They like "futbol." And a lot of them don't even execute their prisoners. As a proud American, I think it's my duty to reject FIFA as an institution...that probably supports terrorism. (Ha. Duty.)

Take one of today's games, for example. Brazil versus France. I can't cheer for France because they hate freedom. I can't cheer for Brazil because they're poor. So I just have to sit there watching, in a vat of my own misanthropy, cheering for no one but myself. That takes a toll on my family...which, as an American, is a very important institution to me. (And why I supported Portugal instead of Britain.)

Now paintball championships. That's a sport I can get behind. Entirely American. And of course FIFA ruined that one for me, too, with the two worst teams ever. Argentina: Che Guevara. Germany: well, a few unpopular names.

world cup withdrawals

2006-06-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

for the first time in weeks i was unable to watch world cup when i woke up this morning. i had set my alarm and everything, but when i turned on the spanish channel (the announcers are so much more exciting than boring american announcers -- besides, does anyone else think that dan (or dave, i forget) o'brien sounds like bob costas? and who says bob costas gets to cover every sporting event anyways? i think that this o'brien character is actually one of bob costas on-air personalities) there was a variety show on instead of football. i don't dislike variety shows (and telemundo ones are the best of the best), but i was pretty sad to learn that there are no games until friday. in the short amount of time since the world cup started, i have become addicted to it. i didn't realize how excited i was getting about it until this morning. and then i started wondering what my life will be like after it's all over. no more world cup for 4 years. i can watch other football, but i don't have cable, so that's a little harder than i'd like it to be. as in, i would have to drive for 5 minutes to get to brian's house. maybe i'll take up parachuting.

serpent's sport

2006-06-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

intrigued?? I bet you are. i am willing to guess that you are all wondering what sport would be a serpent's sport. I'll answer that very question here:

yes my friends, it's true. It's recently been brought to my attention that golfing has very serpent-like qualities. according to Craig Stadler the game of golf can be easily morphed from a simple game to a predatory hunt. golfers are actually hunters hunting their way to the kill (ball dropping in the hole). i know, i know... there are many other lifeforms that are predatory in nature, but stay with me. I was also informed that when a golfer is preparing to swing h(er)is club to hit the golf ball they are actually coiling back and the downswing is the strike. clearly, in this "game" a hunter lays in anticipation of it's kill by coiling up and when seeing it's target, it strikes. what other species than snakes do that? you'd be hard pressed to find one. it's obvious that the "game" of golf is actually a passtime that came to be when pagan beliefs were introduced to christianity. generally speaking people either love or hate golf, which is only explained by it's history. pagans loved the serpent and held it in very high regards, while christianity imagines the serpent to be the symbol of evil. The fusion of these two beliefs into this one "game" only leaves the two options, love it or hate it.

don't believe me about golfing actually being hunting? when you think of great golfers, who comes to mind? I bet you are thinking of Mr. Woods.
It's only to be expected that he would be a phenominal golfer with a name like Tiger. Tigers are great hunters, so Tiger is a great golfer. It's just his nature.

of course the recent trajedy that Tiger has experienced (the trajedy being that he has to drive an ugly buick lucerne for his tournament vehicle) has really hurt his hunt. But he still has his serpentlike desire to make the kill. i'm sure he will come out on top, eventually.

Anyways, i think that golf is one of the better sports, even though it has been somewhat raped by the mainstream sports media. some golfers wear rad clothes, some golfers have rockin hear-dos, and you get to act like a snake, how much better can it get? by the way, i'm pretty sure that golf is one more thing on the list of "things Lance Armstrong sucks at".

misappreciated?

2006-06-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

with all of the recent hype about futebol (or soccer if you must) i must admit that my blood does boil at the under appreciation for the sport that requires so much more skill and determination, which in comparison makes "soccer" look like a kiddy game. don't get me wrong... some soccer players can pull off some sweet moves, but it really pales when compared to the average footbag master.

let's look at the facts, shall we? when was the last time you heard about someone being unable to compete in the great sport of footbag because of possible drug/steroid use? i'm not aware of a single time. In fact I think that the truly great footbaggers wouldn't deny using an occasional control substance.

as you can see from the few pictures that I added here, footbaggers have rad hair and "uniforms" (I use the "'s because footbaggers generally scoff in the collective face of organized sports' tendancy to have lame outfits [as has been mentioned earlier on this guy knows what i'm talking about])

if you feel as i do, that footbagging has been the forgotten step child when it comes to the sporting world then you can catch up on all things footbag here:

Footbag.org

p.s. i'm glad to be a part of such a totally awesome blog, this is ash catchem a.k.a. pillow talk a.k.a. dave (just FYI)

face painting is the new awesome

2006-06-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

every time i get a new favorite team or player, they get eliminated. for example: drogba, sweden, togo. the ecuador-england game was no exception. ecuador's uniforms looked great, but for once that wasn't the reason i liked them so much. i fell in love with ecuador because of christian mora, their goalie. he painted ecuadorian flags on his cheeks. they looked sweet. and i'm not just saying that because i always get my face painted like darth maul at every festival and theme park that i go to. i'm saying it because he looked great. don't believe me? take a sweet look.

supporting your team through the food you eat

2006-06-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

i will admit, I have missed a lot of the world cup games. but i did watch yesterday's match between ghana and the u.s., and this is what I snacked on during the game:

redvines
diet coke
pringles

partway through the game i noticed that my snacks had a theme to them--they all matched ghana's color scheme. take a look:

now, this isn't that strange because i'm always drinking diet coke, and redvines are my favorite.

what's weird is that after i'd noticed that all of my snacks looked ghanaian, i looked over to see what my roommate was eating and I saw THIS!!:
!!!!!!!!!

--does this mean that my snacks were causing ghana to win? i doub it (i considered this possibility for a minute. since ghana was clearly faster than the u.s. in this game, i thought about drinking some extra diet coke to help the u.s. pick up some speed. but i doubt even a redline [or crack] would have helped, so, i ruled this one out).

--was it a sign from god? possibly.

--what it definitely was, however, was me immediately switching my allegiances and cheering for ghana to win.

if this is treason and punishable by death, i'll be sure to have redvines, diet coke, and pringles as my last meal.

ten times ten

2006-06-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

10 reasons to stop watching the world cup

ivory coast played their last game this afternoon. they have some of the best uniforms in the cup (made by puma) and the coolest player in the world. his name is didier drogba and he not only looks great but plays great.

togo won't be playing anymore games and they won't get paid for qualifying for the world cup. i'm sad about both of those -- way sadder than their coach that quit. and how about those celebrations?

iran almost got excluded from the world cup and now they're on the way out. sorry iran, i was rooting for you.

the united states coach is an (ugly?) idiot. he benched beasley at the beginning of the last game because beasley disagreed with his assessment of the team's dedication. brian already mentioned that in the first game he should have started josh teenwolf(f) -- a mistake which he repeated in the game against italy. then after the referee handed out 3 red cards in one game, making 9 players do what 11 usually do, the u.s. coach didn't even use his last substitution. he could've subbed wolff or eddie johnson and they would've brought some energy to a tired team. why didn't you use your last substitution coach whatever-your-name-is?!?

10 reasons to keep watching the world cup

sweden. they're sweet: they play as a team; they hustle; they wear great uniforms; they give maternity leave to both the mother and the father without a decrease in salary; they're advancing to the next round. i hope sweden wins the whole thing. or ghana. but don't tell anyone that i'm secretly hoping ghana beats the u.s. tomorrow. if ghana loses, then sweden is the only team left for me to watch. well, maybe mexico, since ghana is the african version of the mexico team.

super saturday (sorry, you already missed it)

2006-06-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

before saturday, i was telling everybody i talked to about how great this year's world cup has been--my friends and family, co-workers, people i sat by on the bus, blind-dates and tele-marketers. i continue to tell everybody (see previous sentence) about how great this year's world cup but now i only need to point to one day (if it's even possible to point to a day) as proof. that day was saturday.

since i stayed up late friday night watching fistfull of dynamite (loved it!), so i slept through saturday's first game. luckily i didn't also watch once upon a time in the west or i would have slept through the ghana/czech republic. this guy might have the best haircut at the world cup:

and this guy's the best fan at the world cup:

and the game was amazing. ghana was everywhere. if it wasn't for peter cech, ghana would have scored five goals. plus their uniforms were great.

the usa game, on the other hand, was a big disappointment. the game itself was crazy: multiple red cards, blood all over the field, bad anouncers. while everyone wants to blame the refs for the loss, i think it falls entirely on the usa coach. why doesn't bruce arena sub? pope spends the entire first half getting beat, giving up a goal and getting a yellow card. instead of sitting him at the half, arena leaves him in to get a second yellow card. late in the second half, when both teams are dying from fatigue, arena still had one sub and had both eddie johnson and teenwolf(f) on the bench. so what does he do? nothing. just settles for the tie. no wonder the us isn't going to get out of the first round.

how fifa deals with racism

2006-06-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

did you notice the pitch before yesterday's world cup matches? due to a growing number of racist instances at european football matches, fifa decided to unveil there say no to racism campaign. i think it's going to help.

(i tried to find a picture of the field but couldn't. instead i made my own picture.)

how can you win without teenwolf(f)?

2006-06-13T09:30:00.001-07:00

the 237 football fans in the united states are all crying their eyes out after yesterday's embarrassing loss to the czech republic. it was probably the worst performance so far in this year's world cup. but while many fans are crying, i'm just mad (which makes me cry sometimes, but it's different). the reason the usa lost wasn't because they thought their number five ranking in the world entitles them to more respect (read: overconfident) or because they played without any urgency or energy. no, they lost because they didn't use their best weapon: josh wolff.

josh wolff may be the world's most dangerous football player. i saw him once last year at a real salt lake game (he plays for kansas city) and he dominated the game. he has this ability to just turn on a switch and up his game; one minute he's a normal football player, the next moment he's a monster weaving through defense and scoring (or assisting) goals.

at first i didn't understand this incredible power. then, a couple months ago, i was flipping through the television stations on a saturday afternoon and came across the answer. one of the channels was playing a movie featuring a young micheal j fox (before he died). the movie: teenwolf. in teenwolf, micheal fox's character turned from a sub-par basketball player to an allstar whenever he changed into a werewolf. similarly josh wolff switches from an average player into an allstar almost at will. and his last name is wolff. obviously teenwolf is a movie based on josh wolff but the producers switched the sport to basketball and added a physical change (human to werewolf) since they thought a story about a football player wouldn't sell well in the usa.

watch for josh wolff in the next game. and when you see him suddenly up his game, just know that he's teenwolf(f)in'.

nike v adidas

2006-06-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

one of the major subtexts at this years world cup is the battle for football supremecy. how is this a subtext? because i'm not talking about about national teams but what company makes the jerseys and supplies the shoes for each national team.

in the last ten years nike has made a real push to dethrone adidas as the premier football company, but their impact hasn't really been noticable until this year's world cup. not only are they sponsoring a large number of teams (brazil, usa, mexico and portugal to name just a few), they are actually trying to win over football fans by making very un-nike commercials. many of the commercials feature only brazillian football players, little or no english and, the most un-nike thing of all, the tagline "joga bonita." joga bonita loosely translates as play beautiful. just imagine, a nike commercial that celebrates the aesthetics of a sporting event rather than pure domination; a nike commercial thats focus is to do it beautifully rather than just do it. too bad most of the nike made uniforms at the world cup look terrible.

while nike may be trying to internationalize it's football commercials, they're still behind adidas. i mean, the jose plus ten commercials are killer. (again, no english.) but their uniforms, while better than the nike uniforms, aren't cutting it.

in fact the only uniforms that really look great are the ones made by puma. those angola uniforms are probably the best of the entire tournament.

the (north [speficially the usa]) americanization of soccer cheers

2006-06-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

i went to my first real salt lake game of the season a couple weeks ago. i went to a number of rsl games last year and found them somewhat enjoyable--meaning there were/are a number of things i like about the games and a number of things i dislike.

the likes: soccer, in my opinion (and the opinion of this guy knows what i'm talking about), is the best sporting event to watch live (or on tv); the fans are generally cooler than other sporting events (which i think is due to a combination of lower ticket prices and the fact that soccer fans are generally cooler than other sports fans); even though seating is technically reserved, you can buy any ticket and sit nearly whereever you like; soccer players have the best haircuts in sports; and soccer jerseys, on average, are hipper than any other team sport.

the dislikes: i usually sit in the northeast corner (i forgot what they call it, but i think it's for so-called real real fans) andthe sun is in your face almost the entire first half; sometimes i can't find a scalper selling cheap tickets for the life of me and haven't figured out a reasonable way to sneak-in; and the halftime events (time-killers) are terrible (last game this girl totally cheated--she was supposed to navigate an over-sized soccerball through a line of over-sized kfc buckets then take a shot on goal and she totally skipped the last three buckets but god or satan made her miss her shot on goal for cheating since the halftime organizers didn't care).

while the likes outweigh the dislikes i do want to spend some time talking about my biggest dislike: soccer chants.

this dislike deserves attention percisely because it should be a like. in theory, these chants seperate the experience of a live soccer match from every other sporting event. these chants are not the jumbo-tron telling you to say defense or stomping and clapping along with "we will rock you." they're not even the wave or the tomahawk (which is totally racist). soccer chants are spontaneous and improvised rather than being cued by the pa system. they derive from the fans themselves and they're ever present throughtout a soccer match. this isn't simply a matter of quantity over quality, but quality growing out of an unorganized, grass-roots (dare i say democratic?) approach to cheering rather than having a jumbo-tron telling one how to cheer. (i mean, i get so annoyed at jazz games their constant messages of "get on your feet" and "make some noise"--i thought this was america.) in other words, chants should be one of the best experiences at soccer matches.

moving from the abstract to the actual, the chants at the rsl game were a disappointment. while walking to my seat i was handed a paper with the words to some standard rsl chants. this disappointed me on multiple levels. (1) if you can't figure out the cheers after one or two hearing, you probably shouldn't be cheering. (2) passing out fliers with pre-planned cheers is just a step below jumbo-tron cheers. (3) a list of ready-made cheers reduces the chances of improvised cheers.

past streamlining the chants, the chants themselves were problematic. many of the cheers were nearly out-right lies: talking about blowouts before the game has even started? if chants are going to be effective (not to mention awesome) they've got to be realistic. nobody's going to believe some boring chant about real being the best soccer team in the world (let alone the mls); but everyone (or everyone cool) can get behind a chant about how the altitude in utah will wear-out the other team.

so next time you're at a soccer match, don't accept the paper with pre-planned chants. stand up and create your own (but make sure they're funny [some of the time]).

ping pong fever

2006-06-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

step aside, strongest man alive competition

2006-06-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

there's a new competition for strongest man alive. so everyone at strongestmanalive.com better start looking for work. i'm talking about the matchup of the millenium, by which i actually mean the matchup of all 3 millenia in the common era (C.E.). being the biggest matchup of three thousand years is pretty impressive, but it's even more so if you consider that there are still a lot of possible matchups that could take place in the next 994 years (i count the year 3000 as part of this millenium, as i should). this is bigger than jesus v. john lennon, more intriguing than bonds v. ruth, and more important than roe v. wade.

diop v. shaq: strongest man takes home an nba championship

this is something that i've dreamt about along with brian and greg since we found desagana diop on nba live 2004 on the xbox. brian was searching for some toughness midway through one of our seasons. he sorted the players by strength and found diop listed at 99. the only other player at 99 was shaq. we immediately began to talk about the battle of the two titans (at the heights of their careers) and we even played shaq v. diop a number of times to see who was better. all of us knew that the primary problem was that nba live doesn't make diop as good as he actually is. so we fasted, prayed, and waited patiently for the day when shaquille o'neal and desagana diop could finally face-off in real life. we knew all along that diop has the guts of a damn lion, and it's well-documented that shaq has a master's degree in criminal justice (because he brings law and order to the court). they both have 99 strength, so it's up in the air who will get the better of the other. the day has finally arrived with the dallas mavericks and the miami heat playing game 1 of the nba finals on thursday. i know i'll be glued to my chair watching diop's every move. broken nose or not, i predict that diop will dominate shaq like he's never been dominated before.

side note: shaq really is a volunteer police officer in miami and has had a hard time not beating suspects during questioning.

what's in a double-zero?

2006-05-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

sad and surprising (but not surprisingly sad) news hit the basketball community when the foundation of the jazz team and the only remaining link to the nba finals run decided on early retirement. i was as devastated as the next (casual) basketball super-fan, but i knew that he was following his heart. his ten-year tenure (i can't believe i typed that -- i think i only did it to piss brian off) with the utah jazz had its "ups and downs -- hopefully more ups than downs," but was the major reason that the jazz experienced such post-season success throughout that decade. he was a warrior on the court and a teddy bear in the locker room. he brought toughness and togetherness to a team that didn't seem to have an identity or a direction. he was a great basketball player and i'm sure he would have been a dear friend, had i ever met him outside of my dreams.

greg ostertag was drafted 28th overall in 1994 after being the top shot-blocker in big eight conference history. he started 10 games as a rookie and averaged 1 block per game in around 11 minutes. the next season, the jazz expanded his role on the team and enjoyed their first trip to the nba finals thanks to their decision. utah had been unable to get past the conference finals in 4 out of 5 years. ostertag was the guy that put them over the top. they advanced to the finals two years in a row and if it wasn't for jordan's push-off, greg ostertag would have led his team to an nba championship. his nba career averages include 1.7 blocked shots per game in under 20 minutes with a career field goal percentage of 48.6%. he finished 1-10 from 3 point range in his career.

greg ostertag was always known for his ability to turn on the heat when it was playoffs time. i'll always remember how much fight he had in him when the game was on the line. in 2002 he donated one of his kidneys to his sister. he also has a tattoo of fred flintstone dunking a basketball on his leg. he will be missed when the 2006-2007 season comes around and i doubt the jazz will make the playoffs. they never had a losing season the whole time greg played in utah and they never missed the playoffs until this year. i'm positive that if they would have let him play more minutes this year they would be battling it out with the mavericks for another shot at the conference championship. even after stockton and malone left, the jazz still had a good season and made the playoffs. but when ostertag left the team last year, utah suffered its worst season in 20 years. i shouldn't have to convince anyone about his importance to the jazz franchise. his influence speaks for itself.

i look forward to getting free tickets to jazz games and sitting like 6 miles from the floor. if i have my way, i'll sit right under the jersey that reads 00 and i'll remember his legacy. i look forward to eating sandwiches in the grass near the statue that he deserves. he might be retiring from basketball, but he won't ever be able to retire from my heart.

greg ostertag announced his retirement from the national basketball association on april 17th, 2006. he was preceded in retirement by antoine carr, william cunningham, jim farmer, greg foster, jeff hornacek, adam keefe, karl malone, chris morris, ruben nembhard, and john stockton. he is survived by shandon anderson, howard eisley, troy hudson, and bryon russell.

Brother Derek Where Art Thou?

2006-05-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

As is to be expected, local headlines often reflect local products (people, horses, etc) that have made a name on the National/International Stage. The recent running of the Kentucky Derby is one such example. The Kentucky Derby seemed to make more local (Utah) headlines this year due to the running of featured favorite colt Brother Derek. Brother Derek was part owned by a Utahn and trained locally in South Jordan giving him his Utah ties. The national fame that Brother Derek now enjoys has made him a local celebrity of sorts. As with any local celebrity, Utahns, especially Mormons, have a tendency to seek for a connection--of the celebrity-- to mormonism. In order to fullfill this need for connection, rumors often crop up around the celebrity. While these rumors usually involve people/animals from or associated with Utah, sometimes the individual or horse can get tied into these rumors just by becoming part of Utah culture. For example: Dennis Rodman is going to be the next Prophet, Shakira is taking the missionary disscussions, Neleh Dennis almost won Survivor because she took her scriptures on the show, or that Larry Miller is a good person. Brother Derek is no exception to the rumor-connection game. While most Utahns have heard that Brother Derek was named after a Mormon missionary, I recently heard a more complete story. As I understand it, Brother Derek was named after the missionary that baptized him. While not common, there are known spiritual occasions where missionaries will administer to animals. Here are a couple of examples: I was an eye witness to Elder Soto giving a sick dog a blessing on my mission. Eliza, in the mormon movie Legacy, blesses her oxen when they are sick. And finally, Brother Derek (the horse) gets baptized by Brother Derek (the missionary). There is little doubt that the success that Brother Derek has had in racing is due to the spiritual fortitude given him through baptism.

all this talk of picking teams...

2006-05-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

I've been a Braves fan ever since I was 13(ish?) and watched the '91 World Series (which in my opinion was the best one of all time). I have no idea why I decided to watch the series, or why I chose the Braves as my team. But they've been my team ever since (this series is also the reason I've had an abiding hatred for kirby pucket [yes, i know his dead], and my love of the Braves is what spawned my hatred for the Yankees). Other than the Braves, I don't necessarily have any teams. Being born in Michigan, it was ingrained into me my whole life (that saying makes no sense unless my life is over), to root for any team in Michigan, which I tend to do. Anyway, since I don't really have any teams other than the Braves, I've just decided to pick players for now. One from each of the 4 major sports.

Football: as noted below, I've already chosen Ricky Williams due to the awesomeness of his beard.

Basketball: i've chosen Richard Hamilton. I could say I'm choosing him because he plays for the pistons, but that wouldn't really be true at all. I've chosen him because of that mask. He wears it all the time! It's like shorts and shoes to the guy. If you're doubting my choice, here is a picture to change your mind.

Is it not awesome?

Baseball: I was going to say Chuck James because it made me think of Chuck Norris, but I've decided (for now) to go with Chipper Jones. Mainly because his name is Chipper, but also because he's always blowing huge bubbles with his gum, and I support that.

Badminton: Raju Rai--for obvious reasons. he/she has been athlete of the year for three years running.

what team(s) should i root for: episode iii

2006-05-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

in "postmodernism and the consumer society," fredrich jameson dwells on two features of postmodernism: "the transformation of reality into images and the fragmentation of time into a series of perpetual presents." these two features, jameson argues, leads to "the disappearance of a sense of history." this shift from reality to images and time as a series of presents speeds historical experiences into the distant past; left in its place are nostalgic pop-images and stereotypes about the past while the past "remains forever out of reach."

the same disappearance of a sense of history shows up in the names of professional sports teams. even though i have never participated in the naming of a sports team--a professional sports team that is--i imagine those who choose nicknames for sports teams are careful and deliberate. whether a nickname reflects hoped for characteristics, like the ferocious stength of a lion or the kinetic energy of electricity (i'm guessing that's what the chargers are all about), or whether the nickname reflects the uniqueness of its city, team names are chosen purposefully. the minor league baseball team located in salt lake city is called the bees. this grows out of the state emblem--a beehive--which grows out of an obscure reference in the book of mormon. in other words, the name locates the team squarely in salt lake city.

however, given our postmodern situation, team names rarely keep their original significance. many team names have completely lost their reference like the dodgers, browns and reds. other team names, especially those names associated with city history, are often reduced like the supersonics to the sonics, the 76ers to the sixers and the knickerbockers to the knicks; the reduction largely divorces the team names from its intent (i mean, what exactly is a knick or a sonic?). other times, names with significant meaning for a certain geographical place are relocated again removing the name from its intent like the (new orleans)utah jazz and the (minneapolis)los angeles lakers. and team names are often chosen as idealized stereotypes, like the patriots, yankees and any name stemming from native americans (which will be a topic for another episode), further reinforcing the disappearance of a sense of history. most team names at some point, as the talking heads say, stop making sense.

this is most obvious in the examples of team names borrowing from labor unions. many diehard fans may not even realize that the steelers, (meat)packers, brewers and, to a lesser extent, pistons grow out of a city's industry with paticular attention being paid to the workers of those industries. at the time the names where chosen, the cities often had strong, united labor unions representing real pittsburgh steelers or milwaukee brewers. as the labor unions have been undermined the relation of the team name to the workers of a city have been lost. the names, like the names of the browns or dodgers, become meaningless in any context other than within the professional sports team.

what does this all have to do with figuring out which team to root for? very little. but astute (non)sports-fans should take into account the history of team names when choosing what team(s) she should root for.

free ricky williams!!!

2006-04-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

if you only watched nfl live (which seems to be on everytime i turn on espn during the day) you'd think marijuana is worse than heroine, maybe even worse than murder. in other words, nfl live's take on marijuana use is more hardlined than those goverment sponsored anti-drug commercials that try and link marijuana use to terrorism (which is so stupid; i mean the pot i buy is grown right here in utah).

ricky williams is this guy knows what i'm talking about's favorite football player. there's not even a close second. (mike vick may have constituted a distant second if it wasn't for him spreading sti's--you might be mike vick, but use a condom for god's sake.) so when ricky williams fails another drug test which results in a year long suspension we get sad, but for more reasons than you think. we get sad not only because he won't be playing all year (will football even be worth paying attention to?) but also because espn will have months of unfunny, unoriginal, and unfair jokes about ricky williams' personal life. sean salisbury is the worst. he seems to hate ricky williams with such a passion. probably because ricky williams is a good football player while sean was a career backup. really sean can't imagine someone loving something else more than football (except for maybe a great hand-job). this is funny because normal people (and normal football players) care about a lot of things more than football (and not just hand-jobs). sean usually prefaces his comments by saying that playing football is a privilege. privilege? it's not like you accidently end up in the nfl--you get drafted because of all the hard work you put in. this would be a privilege: giving sean salisbury a hand-job while he breaks down fantasy football.

aaron has already shown that ricky's recent failed drug test is due to his holistic training (in other words, it's bullshit that he got suspended), but i want to take this one step further and defend ricky's pot-smoking past.

who cares if ricky williams smokes pot? it seems like a safe and effective way to deal with his anxiety and his chronic pain (caused by football). why is smoking pot worthy of suspension, but domestic abuse is no big deal? in the nfl, you can get drunk and slap around your wife/girlfriend and still be a model player, but smoking pot exhibits a weak character. smoking pot is a victimless crime (unless you drive while you're stoned).

finally, this failed drug test is bullshit. it's obvious the nfl can't handle ricky williams beard.

related: jamal lewis was set up by the heat and chris anderson should be reinstated into the nba.

this is b.s. man, i'm going to talk to dr. worm

2006-04-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

ricky williams will be suspended for the entire 2006 nfl football season. this is sad news for everyone, especially ricky williams fans. let me sum up ricky's career without doing any research.

coming out of university of texas, mike dikta (coach of the n.o. saints) traded all his picks away to get ricky williams 5th overall in the 1999 draft. he played three years for the saints. then the dolphins traded like a million picks to get him. it was totally worth it since he ran for like 1800 yards or something. he tested positive for marijuana use 3 times during his time in miami. he came out and admitted to smoking pot to help with the pain of carrying the ball nearly 400 times per season and to help with his social anxiety disorder. he faced a four-game suspension to begin the 2004 season, but he decided to retire instead. he liked football, but he was sick of the nfl. (who wouldn't be?) so he spent the first part of the next year travelling the world. then he enrolled in a holistic medicine school in california. he also moved in with some guy that he met at radio shack. (i wish i would've been at radio shack that day. then we could've been roomates.) after the year, nick saban, the new coach of the miami dolphins, tried to get ricky to come back to football. he decided to do it. so he drove his old jeep cherokee from california to florida. he apologized to his teammates and his fans if they were upset at him, but he said that he didn't regret his decision to take the year to do something other than football. everyone on the team said that he was a positive influence and a hard worker. coach saban loved him.

anyways, a few months ago, ricky failed a 4th drug test. this one wasn't for marijuana. he tested positive for an undisclosed substance. there seems to be hints that he was actually just using holistic medicines and that he tested positive because whatever combination he was using tested the same as an illegal substance. he appealed to the nfl, but they said no way. and now he's suspended for an entire year. i seriously think it's because his beard is so awesome. and because he quit football, so they're trying to get him back. or something. or maybe it's because when dikta drafted him he wore a wedding dress for a photo shoot.

usa basketball

2006-04-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

does anyone remember in the olympics 2 years ago when the u.s.a. basketball team got the bronze medal and everyone was disappointed? well, since then usabasketball has supposedly gotten serious about bringing the gold medal back to north america (minus mexico and canada). there was a lot of anticipation as to who they would get to organize the team, coach the team, and play for the team. i would like to talk about some of their decisions.

they picked mike krzyzewski to coach the team. he's the coach for duke university. duke is supposed to be way awesome every year (and they sort of are), but they didn't even make it to the final four this year. but if you want to talk about the march madness bracket, i'm probably in the group of the 10 people you would least want to discuss it with. i got last place in every group i filled out a bracket in. except one. i beat the person who left everything blank. so i guess that's second-to-last. anyways, i personally think coach k (as he's (un)affectionately called) is sort of a jerk, but i also think the idea of getting a college coach is a good one -- mostly because in college you see a lot of different teams who run a lot of different offenses and defenses. in the 2004 olympics, i think the biggest problem was that larry brown tried to run his same offense against european teams. that's a problem because in europe they can play zone defense and in the nba you can't. but larry brown is so cool and so good that he doesn't need to modify his offense when he plays against other national teams. so i think it's smart that they're getting a college coach who has more experience against zone defenses.

the players selected to try out for the usabasketball team are: Carmelo Anthony, Gilbert Arenas, Shane Battier, Chauncey Billups, Chris Bosh, Bruce Bowen, Elton Brand, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, LeBron James, Antawn Jamison, Joe Johnson, Shawn Marion, Brad Miller, Adam Morrison, Lamar Odom, Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, J.J. Redick, Michael Redd, Luke Ridnour, Amaré Stoudemire, and Dwyane Wade. i think a lot of the selections are really great. but where's allen iverson? nowhere to be found.

i recently caught up with mr. jerry colangelo, who headed the selection process. here is the transcription of the interview.

me: hey jerry colangelo, why didn't you guys get allen iverson? i mean, he's having the best year of his career. he's shooting a good percentage, he's averaging 33 points, 7.4 assists, and 1.9 steals per game (2nd in scoring, 8th in assists,and 7th in steals). last year, larry brown (who i dislike and possibly hate) said that iverson had a better year than his mvp year. well, this year he's playing even better. are you guys blind?

colangelo: When you look at what we were looking for at any particular position on this team and the components and the composition of this team, we needed some distributors. That's not to say Iverson is not a distributor. He's a great scorer; he's one of the great all-time scorers in the league. But we have seven of the top eight scorers in the NBA presently on this roster and you need someone to distribute the ball. It has to come from the point guard. So, our job description kind of fit the mold of a few other players. Age was another consideration as we look at where we are today, what the ages of the players are today and where they'll be in just a couple of years. So, if you build a team, as Coach K said earlier, around two or three or four core players, if you will, offensively, then you need people who compliment them in different ways -role players, shooters, defenders, athleticism and distributors. It's not as much as to why he wasn't selected, it's why we selected who we did. That's no discredit to Allen at all or for other big name players. It was not an all-star team that was selected. It wasn't the top 10, 15 or 20 players playing in the NBA. It was trying to build a team that had the composition that we were looking for.

me: isn't there a standing invitation for shaq to join the team? is shaq allowed to join the team if he asks to?

colangelo: He is because his presence would be huge and I need that in more ways than one, Because of respect for who he is and what he could bring to the international game for us he has an open invitation.

me: so that sort of throws out your age excuse, right? i mean, shaq's older than iverson and is slowing down a lot this year. meanwhile, iverson seems to be getting better. not that he won't eventually slow down some, but seriously, you say shaq can join the team at any time and then you try to say that iverson's too old. that's b.s. jerry. and that thing about needing a distributor. ridnour is a distributor. chris paul is mostly. but billups? have you seen that guy play? he hucks up 3's any chance he gets. iverson is at least as good a distributor as chauncey billups. probably better. not to mention that iverson was one of the bright spots of 2004's team. he didn't play his best basketball, but no one on that team did. (i blame larry brown.) besides, remember how no one wanted to play because they were scared of terrorist attacks? iverson didn't even hesitate in accepting in 2004. he played hard every game. he didn't cry his eyes out. i remember somebody who did -- carmelo anthony. he cried about his playing time, even though he missed his first 10 shots and shot 25% for the whole tournament. but carmelo crying about stuff doesn't really surprise me. look at his first 2 years at denver. he was a letdown because he just wanted to shoot all the time and then they benched him. he finally started playing better this year, but he's still too selfish to be a team player. so they're proably going to regret inviting him and his crying. back to iverson. all the criticism about not being a team player doesn't make very much sense to me. who does he have on his team? chris webber? that guy can't jump. korver? he doesn't play defense. iguodala is sweet. who has iverson had on his team in the past? keith van horn, theo ratliff, eric snow, dikembe mutombo, etc. of course he scores a lot. well, i thought that maybe we should look at his all star stats to get a good idea about how he would play if surrounded by superstars. in five all-star games (excluding that year when t-mac went nuts and 2006), he shot 45.7% from the field and 83.9% from the free throw line to score 20.8 points per game, and he averaged 3 rebounds, 8.4 assists, and 3.2 steals per game. besides, look how great he looks all the time. (for more on that, see "on picking a favorite player.") why wouldn't you want iverson on your team? i think you made a serious mistake, mr. colangelo.
i can see three possibilities for you guys snubbing him. i think it's a combination of them all. but i think the second is the biggest. you can tell me what you think afterwards.
reason#1: i speculate larry brown probably talked bad about iverson when you were asking about him. i think brown did this to put the blame of losing on the players, which he has repeatedly done since 2004. he's always said things about how none of the players played with any heart. he's always put the blame squarely on the shoulders of the players in the olympics and he's never had to take any crap for not being able to implement an offense that works. so it was probably just part of his cover-up to say that iverson wasn't a team player.
reason#2: iverson has a reebok contract. not a single member of the team has a reebok contract. 4 players have adidas contracts and i don't know who sponsors chris bosh, but every other player (except college kids who can't have endorsements) is sponsored by nike. 15 players with nike contracts and 1 player with a converse contract (nike owns converse). you might think that this is easily explained by the fact that nike simply sponsors more players than reebok or adidas. that makes sense. but guess what happened 3 days before they announced the list of players who would be invited to try out for the olympic team? usabasketball and nike signed a multiyear deal making nike the exclusive apparel outfitter of the usa basketball team. this (non)coincidence isn't so easily explained. you had some pressure on you to pick players sponsored by nike. tell me it's not true, jerry, i dare you.
reason#3: iverson is too hip hop for usa basketball to embrace him. you and coach kraoiwerz probably agree with stern that they need to change the image of basketball in the united states by giving it more of a corporate look. (for more on that, read brian's "of course the nba dress code is racist.") well, i think you guys blew it. seriously. bruce bowen? are you kidding?

badminton got me an 'A'

2006-04-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was badminton champion of my high school (fine, of my jr. year Fit For Life class), I've become a connossieur of the sport (when I say connossieur, I mean I just looked up a bunch of stuff about 10 minutes ago). Badminton is one of the greater sports because it's origins date back at least 2000 years. What other sport has ancestors with names like "Battledore" and my personal favorite "Shuttlecock"?

When first researching the sport, I came to the conclusion that Badminton must be a game at which women are more competent. From 1949 to 1967 the US won 23 World Individual Championships--12 of those being women's singles and 8 women's doubles. But with further reading, I became aware that it wasn't a women's sport at all--it's an Asian's sport. In 1992 when Badminton made it's full-medal debut at the Barcelona Olympics, all of the top honors went to Asian countries. This may explain how I became Badminton Champion of my Junior year Fit For Life class (my partner was Phillipino). Either way, I got an A. Here are a few other things I learned about Badminton:

1. Badminton became more popular in the 1930s when several Hollywood personalities including James Cagney, Bette Davis, Boris Karloff, Dick Powell, Ginger Rogers, Joan Crawford, and Douglas Fairbanks became avid players (Boris Karloff somehow makes the sport totally legit for me).

Tangent--Reasons I like Boris Karloff:
He was Frankenstein
He's pretty much something creepy in everything he's done
He was in a movie called "The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini"

2. The only place listed to play Badminton in Utah is at the University of Utah.
3. Raju Rai has been athlete of the year for three years running. Hopefully he/she can make it four.

Ring Them Wedding Bells

2006-04-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

Today my dad called me and told me he has found me a husband. Apparently The Deseret News ran an article today about some dude named Tom Pace that plays for the Utah Blaze. My father enthusiastically informed me that Tom (they are already on a first name basis) plays in a punk band and went on an LDS mission. "Here is someone we both can like!" (the poor guy - my dad, not Tom...I'd be a total catch - he knows that as soon as I graduate I'm a lost spinster-headed cause, and with so many girls in the family, he's getting desperate for some testosterone.)
We looked up his picture on The Blaze website, and my dad seemed even more enthused by the fact that he has that unfortunate professional football player's syndrom (if you can call The Blaze professional...seeing as I know nothing of football, I'm in the dark as to whether Tom's football status should even impress me at all) where their neck is somehow bigger than their heads. I don't want to break my dad's heart, but I can't help commenting on Tom's ridiculously bright Wallace and Gromit style smile.
My dad is so super stoked on the idea of a son-in-law to watch football with that he has already planned our daddy-daughter date up to the Meet and Greet the players have to participate in after the game. "He has a CD sold in Deseret Book!" I complain. "GOOD! You like music!" my dad retorts. He seems to think that the minute I ask for the boy's autograph, we will fall in love and have athletic little babies that will make up for my couch-potato, kung-fu-movie-watching, disappointing ways. The last husband he found for me was a track star for BYU. Luckily, this sports star was married within the month (as is common in this crazy city I like to call Provo). Unluckily, he has brothers.

I would also like to mention that tomorrow is my last day of racquetball, and that no matter how motivated I get I must remember that I am just not cut out for the silly competition forced in co-ed PE classes.

what team(s) should i root for: episode ii

2006-04-17T12:03:00.000-07:00

in the next few episodes of what team(s) should i root for, i intend to explore some of the lesser known (and lesser used) reasons for picking favorite sports teams. these episodes will be less focused and more exploratory than episode i. while episode i provided justification for liking teams for average sports fans, these next few episodes will focus on justifications for for the writers and readers of this guy knows what i'm talking about, in other words, (non)sports fans.

a couple notes before i get started: (1) i will be looking at team identities (team names, team colors, team histories) as reasons for loving (and hating) specific teams; (2) i will limit my discussion to professional sports teams simply because there are too many college teams to consider, however, the same general ideas expressed in these episodes can be exported to picking favorite college teams; (3) i'm looking specifically at the professional sports teams of the nba, nfl and mlb because i don't care for hockey and soccer team names exist in such a different category (soccer clubs often don't have nicknames and the color of their jersey's aren't limited by arbitrary team colors--in short, soccer clubs are so much cooler that you can justify loving nearly any soccer club based on their team name and uniforms).

so, what makes a good team nickname? it seems that when teams choose nicknames, they often look for tough sounding nicknames like scary animals. while this is bad in and of itself, it's worse when teams use a tough sounding nickname that also is an aliteration of the team's city name (like the jacksonville jaguars or the tennessee titans). however, there are a couple of aliterated team names that i like: the philadelphia phillies and the buffalo bills. the phillies because what is a phillie (or is it a philly)? without doing any research (i have my research assistants working on future stories) i'd guess that you get the name phillie from philadelphia. while i think that's a pretty good name, the buffalo bills are even better because the name has nothing to do with the city of buffalo (or even with buffalos despite the fact that a buffalo is on their helmets); it's just a reference to buffalo bill. maybe that guy is from buffalo (if he even existed), but i doubt it. so the name is primarily a joke. a joke name totally undermines the tough name syndrome. a professional franchise with a joke name: what could be funnier?

both of those team names are good because they relied on nonsensical nicknames. other teams that probably fall into this category would include (again based on no research) the cleveland browns (who also go as far as to have no mascot or even identifying marker [unless orange is an identifying marker]), the brooklyn/los angeles dodgers and the texas rangers (who have the added bonus of being linked to chuck norris through walker, texas ranger).

this story is based on true events

2006-04-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

i saw carlos boozer shopping at the smith's in the avenues. he shopped alone (no entourage?) covering most of his face with the hood of his sweatshirt. to hide his identity, but it's difficult if not impossible for an african-american who is nearly seven feet tall to blend in at the smith's in the avenues. (maybe if he wore a patagonia jacket--wait, that would only work at wild oats.) he gave me a brief head-nod followed by a "hey," probably because i was staring. realizing that i'd never have another chance at this, i talked to him.

"mr. boozer?"
"yeah?"
"is it true that you know prince?"
"yeah."
"do you think you could get him to sign this for me?" i pulled my copy of Prince's self-titled record out of my shopping cart.
"no."

the true events the story is based on:
(1) my friend andy did see a jazz player at the same smith's. the jazz player was memo okur, but he did have his hood pulled over his head. and okur did say hey to him.
(2) carlos boozer really does know prince. prince recently stayed at one of boozer's homes.
(3) gavin really does have the self-titled prince lp.

what team(s) should i root for: episode i

2006-04-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

this is the first post, in a series of posts, that will explore the methods used by a sports fan for establishing what team(s) she roots for and which team(s) she roots against. in doing so, i am hoping that the this guy knows what i'm talking about family (which includes, but is not limited to the writers and readers of this blog) will be self-aware and self-critical of the reasons they choose to root for the teams that they do. in this first installment, i will be looking at the most obvious reasons a sports fan would use for picking her favorite team(s).

geography
most sports fans root for teams near them. this makes sense for a number of reasons: pride in one's city, developing a common language among neighbors and co-workers, access to infomation about the teams (both in temrs of media coverage as well as having the option of physically attending games) and family tradition, to name a few. this seems an appropriate reason for rooting for a specific team. there are, however, a couple of possible problems with rooting for the home team. when tied up in the minute issues of the home team, you may miss exciting players and/or trends in other cities. also, with most of your neighbors and co-workers rooting for the same team, it's easy to slip into a group think mentality that may impact your ability to view the home team, as well as other teams, objectively.

players
aaron's piece gives some guidelines for choosing favorite players. once you've chosen your favorite players, it's only natural to cheer for the teams those players play for. this way of choosing your favorite teams seems pretty solid. actually, it's only as solid as your reasons for liking the players that you like.

nostalgia
many sports fans choose teams to like when they're young and then just stick with it. for instance, the first football game i ever remember watching was the super bowl where chicago beat new england. after that, my favorite football team was the bears. today, i still find myself rooting for the bears for no other reason than because i liked them as a kid. well, that and because their color scheme is pretty cool. but since i've been able to identify my nostalgia as the source of my like, i've been able to reevaluate the bears. now i like them because of their color scheme.

bandwagoning
many sports fans use their sports teams as supplements to their fragile egos. in these cases, they tend to choose teams who do reasonably well year after year so they can identify with their teams winning ways. i used to live with a kid like this. his favorite team was the 49ers back when the 49ers were good. each week he'd talk about how awesome he was because the team he rooted for, the 49ers, continued to win, while the bears, my favorite team at the time, contiued to lose. this was proof that he was a better human being than i was. and while he was probably correct about being a better human being, it wasn't because he liked the 49ers.

So What Exactly is an Athletic?

2006-04-10T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today I started a fight with a boy in my screenwriting class. Jack (name changed, but seeing as there are only four people in that class and only one of them is a boy, and also seeing as I only changed one letter of his name...I don't know how effective that will be in protecting his shady stats reciting ass.), an avid Dodgers fan, was yappin' it up about some game or other.
"The Dodgers totally suck!" I shot at him. (Good one!)
Jake spouted off some stats that seemed to suggest that the Dodgers might only suck a little, and not "totally" as I had accused.
Being new to the game of baseball, I asked my dad last night what to do in these kinds of situations (when I start fights about things I know absolutely nothing about). Seeing as I almost arbitrarily chose his team to support, he was more than willing to give me sound sports fight advice. I was prepared to deliver this next clever bit:
"Well, maybe the pitchers are about equal in calliber. I mean (heh heh) we all know Zito has his ups and downs! But your relief pitchers don't even come close to our relief pitchers!"
But, I wasn't counting on just how avid a Dodgers fan Jack is. He actually knew who the relief pitchers were!
"And anyway," he said, putting on a real know-it-all-bitch-face, or maybe just yawning, "who's 'our'?"
"The A's!" I said with pride. Afterall, they're my team...starting...last Monday, when I decided I wanted to be a baseball fan. Though I was determined to be a fan, I wasn't so concrete on which team was deserving of my devotion. This decision was made on multiple levels including proximity, logo, and whether or not the owners were a bit lax with the dress code and allowed their team to have Fu-Man-Chu's. The Oakland Athletics seem to qualify.
The conversation with Jack kind of died out - due to his general lack of interest. But, undeterred, in the middle of a discussion about homo social relationships in what has to be the gayest film ever made, Lethal Weapon, I butted in with:
"And what the hell's a Dodger anyway?"
"What's an Athletic?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
I should have included "mascot" in my decision on which team to support.

tattoos...advertising, or just lame pictures in ink?

2006-04-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

We've heard (on here) the discussion about the endless merging of sports and advertising--how the super bowl is no longer about football, but about commercials, and how the NBA views success as marketability rather than how good the athletics actually are. Well, now it's being taken a step further. A few years ago, I read (or heard) something online (or somewhere) an interview with Dakkan Abbe, president of Fifty Rubies Marketing in New York. He/she had come up with the idea of using basketball players as human billboards, by placing temporary tattoos on their arms. Is it possible that this has already started? I submit that it has. I think a large number of NBA players have already started tattooing themselves as another way to earn the almighty sponsor's dollar. I have included 5 examples as concrete evidence that should substantiate my argument.

A lot of people assume this is the Kenyon Martin's kid. Well, it's not. It's the Gerber baby. Not the food baby. It's for another Gerber line--Gerber Childrenswear, Inc. Notice the hat.

This tattoo on Rasheed Wallace is an ad for the King Tut Exhibit. This is a good sponsor to be aligned with. The exhibit has been around for years (centuries), and travels all over the world. Currently it's showing in Florida, but will be in LA next month.

This skull tattoo of Allen Iverson's is the new logo for the U.S. Army. In an effort not to look like total pussies next to the Marines, they've come up with this new skull logo to look a little more baddass.

You may have seen Mike Bibby's tattoos and thought he'd joined the Church, but you'd be wrong. He's actually just the new spokesperson for Deseret Book, who is trying to branch out to a broader market.

This last tat is an advertisement for the muchly anticipated movie Snakes On A Plane starring Samuel L. Jackson, to be released this fall. Initially destined to become a B-movie flop, the film has gained unprecedented internet buzz, which this player (who i don't know) obviously bought into. Hopefully the buzz will carry the sales of movie paraphernalia before the movie actually comes out (and totally sucks), so this guy's advertising doesn't go to waste.

I thought it was bad that I couldn't look at any inch of an NBA arena without seeing ads, but now I can't even look at the players without being told what to watch/do/eat/buy/listen to/etc. I blame ESPN.

Baseball Cards Are Worth More Than You Think

2006-04-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

I decided to do some investigative reporting on baseball cards. Why do I get the feeling baseball cards are the only reason baseball became a National treasure. EBay, April 6, 2006. I searched ‘baseball card’ I changed the price to list the highest amount first and on top with 31 bids “1914 Cracker Jack CHRISTY MATHEWSON #88” at Thirty-One Thousand Dollars. I, as a young lad, was a brainwashed child with high hopes of hitting the big money with a rare find baseball card. I wasted hundreds of my hard earned paper route money to buy one pack after another for what? I was born in 1979 and started collecting cards when I was 9, making it 1988, the highest bid on EBay ‘baseball card 1988’ is $51, with One bid. So you can see my disappointment since all my cards can’t be worth $51 a piece. Baseball ripped me off. I strongly believe that baseball cards sold that sport. Think about it, back before they televised games people were buying/trading/selling cards. You could even go as far to say that George Lucas is not a genius, he just stole his merchandising ideas for Star Wars from baseball. Baseball is only popular because of merchandising. Baseball is stupid. Baseball is dumb. Baseball is not fun.

on picking a favorite player

2006-04-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

when trying to decide who should be your favorite player the first thing you need to do is identify what aspects make a player great. this is an individualized process. for some people home runs are important while for others on-base percentage is key. some people like defense, blocks, and steals, but other people prefer shooting, scoring, and assists. some people only like basketball players who take charges. other people call them names when they take the charge. in football, you might like touchdowns, quarterback ratings, yards per _____, endzone celebrations, interceptions, or playmaking. in ice skating maybe it's the costumes, the music, or the degree of difficulty.

without restricting myself to a specific sport i'd like to say what kinds of things affect my choosing a favorite athlete.
(1) hair: great haircut/do = great player. included in this category is facial hair. i can't love a player with only a mustache (except adam morrison, as long as he's joking). but a good beard can go a long ways.
(2) accessories: headbands, visors, taped ankles, etc. also, off-the-court/field attire can be very influential.
(3) interviews: what players say when interviewed is a major deciding factor.
(4) controversy: when players are unjustly hated, it makes me start to like them more.
(5) finger-waiving: only applies to dikembe mutombo.
(6) hustle: not like that lazy-ass whiner, clint mathis (even if he did used to have a mohawk.

examples:

(1)

(2)

(3) in the interview category, i'd like to mention a few:
i. for like a month straight rasheed wallace said the exact same thing to the media after every game. he also always says nice things about the other team.
ii. shaq always says the weirdest stuff in interviews.
iii. steve nash talked about his anti-war views
iv. (this could make you love or hate him) karl malone talked about protecting his family from badgers during his retirement speech.

(4) espn hates ricky williams (former marijuana use, quitting the nfl, travelling the world, going to a holistic medicine school, moving in with a guy he met at radio shack, coming back, having the best beard ever, etc). the nba hates rasheed wallace (talks about the racism of the nba, criticizes officials and hints that the officiating is sort of fixed). everyone in the world hates ron artest (got in that one fight, punched that camera man, tried to take time off to promote his hip hop cd). and everyone loves lance armstrong (i hate him).

so my favorite player is ricky williams and i drafted him last year in our fantasy football league, even though he was going to be serving a four-game suspension and sharing carries with ronnie brown. he fits all of my criteria, except the finger-waiving stuff.

sports-typed things happen nearly everyday

2006-04-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

early on when aaron and i were brainstorming our ideas for our sports-zine, we realized that there was no way our zine could stay current. thanks to espn (specifically espnews) the sports-news-cycle only lasts about 12 hours. it would have taken me 12 hours just to locate a photo-copier. upon further review, the 12 hour cycle seems a bit long. in fact, i don't even know how to calculate an average sports story cycle since espn usually only likes to build towards events rather than cover events. so the only way our zine could have stayed somewhat current would have been to either write about timeless sports subjects (in other words, we would make lists of our favorite sports-typed things--team names, team color schemes and haircuts) or write about sports-typed things that will have lasting power (like steriods [i hope somebody got that joke]). with this blog, we can now post stories sports-typed things that actually seem current. this way we can actually take on espn and dan patrick and jim rome and all the shitty local sports talk-shows. (to be fair, the local shows are no more shittier than their national counter-parts; they are, however, derivative of them.)

but now we at this guy knows what i'm talking about have to ask ourselves, do we really want to?

i choked on national public radio

2006-04-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

last wednesday while greg and i were driving to salt lake, talk of the nation on npr did a piece on fantasy baseball. the guy they were interviewing (i forget who it was and researching it seems like more work than i'm willing to put in -- even slightly more work than this parenthetical comment -- i.e. it would probably take upwards of 45 seconds to find his name) said that you're supposed to come up with clever and funny team names like "the whimpering cats" for your fantasy team. i don't see how that's funny or clever -- although i am a proponent of names that undermine the masculinity of fantasy sports and "the whimpering cats" certainly does satisfy that condition. too many times you see people with names like "i'm going to kick your ass" or "look how big my biceps are." sometimes there's even clever names like "'roid rage" that still allude to machoism. anyways, i decided to call in and tell them a few names that my brother and i have used in the past.

i should interrupt (quickly, i hope) the story to mention that coming up with teame names is probably our (as in brian's and my) favorite part of playing fantasy sports. we try to change our team names more than we shake up our rosters. in our fantasy football league they cracked down last year and we had to promise to pick one name for the entire year, and what a joke of a year it was.

so i called in to npr and there was a girl screening my telephone call. reproduced here is our phone conversation.

girl: npr. what's your comment?
me: i wanted-
girl: will you turn off your radio please?
me: oh, sorry. i wanted to tell you my three favorite fantasy team names. they said you're supposed to pick funny and clever ones and i thought i'd tell them mine.
girl: okay. what's your name?
me: virginia woolfenste-
girl: no, what's your name?
me: oh. it's aaron.
girl: where are you calling from?
me: salt lake city.
girl: okay, now you can tell me your team names.
me: first - virginia woolfenstein 3d; second - the my little ponies; third - jesuszilla, son of godzilla

she laughed at the names and mentioned that she thought they were very clever.

girl: when they say aaron from salt lake city, that's your cue.

they finally put me on, and i was more nervous than i've ever been in my life (except that time when i shook hands with gza).

you can listen to it here .

so my choking has to do with the fact that i'm not actually playing fantasy baseball this year. i lied to neil conan. when they asked me who my star was this year, the only person i thought of was ichiro. but instead of saying he was my star, i said that someone drafted him before i could. so then neil asked who i'd picked instead and i totally blanked because i don't know anything about baseball. the only guy i could think of was pujols. so i said pujols, which is completely ridiculous since he was probably the first pick in every single fantasy baseball league across the country. there's no way someone would pick ichiro before pujols (except for me and my brother).

i learned a valuable lesson. if you're going to call into a radio station, you might want to expect that they'll ask you a question. otherwise, you might end up the laughing-stock of the entire sports-loving, npr-listening community. it's a small community, but i can never show my face in it again.

of course the nba dress code is racist

2006-04-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

it's hard to talk with people about sports when you think espn is bullshit.

i went to this new year's eve party where i knew less than 20% of the people present. since i get anxiety in social situations like these, i usually try too hard to impress people by being funny. unfortunately, i'm not that funny. since it was new year's eve, my brother and i repeatedly made jokes about calling the new year 2k6--in conversations, when dating checks, and so on. this spurred an argument about whether to use 2k6 or, as the espn videogamers do, 2k06. i argued that 2k6 should be the standard: if k means 1000, adding 06 rather than 6 seems redundant. plus, i added, you shouldn't cite espn as an authority on anything since espn is ruining sports. to my surprise, nearly everyone involved in the conversation thought espn was not only the best sports-themed television network (emphasis on themed), but possibly the best thing on television. please. c-span is the best thing on television followed distantly by mythbusters and iron chef (japan). espn is worse that mtv; it's worse than foxnews (however, their politics are eerily similar).

i thought espn's problems--further merging sports and advertising, consistently undermining player's unions, promoting superstar mentality and idiolization at the expense of the concept of team and a bias towards large sports markets--were obvious. the people at the party wanted proof.

me: here's how you know espn is bullshit: not a single commentator acknowledged that the nba dress code is racist.

everyone else at the party: it's not racist or you're/that's stupid.

i'm used to people critizing my intelligence, and usually with good cause; however, in this instance, i didn't feel that my inability to process rational thought hindered my point. so i proceeded to make my case.

the nba is becoming less and less a basketball game and more and more an extended commercial. what the nba deems successful isn't athletics and competition but marketability. athletics and competition are being narrowly redefined in terms of marketability. the nba succeeds not if it provides the best basketball on the planet, but if it continues to gain investors and advertisers. if the nba is primarily a product, image is everything.

with the continued popularity decline of the nba (which means, more importantly, a decrease in marketability) david stern realizes something must be done. stern looks over the nba product and places the blame squarely on the hip-hopification of the league. many people, especially those people responsible for investing in the nba, associate hip-hop styled dress with thugs and crime even though no such link exists. stern realizes that if he wants to increase the marketability of the nba he needs to tone down the hip-hop image. (it's much simpler and more profitable than changing cultural attitudes about race.)

so now there's an nba dress code.

looking closely (or at all) at the dress code reveals that it targets a specific look. i mean, if you just had people wearing t-shirts and jeans (like greg ostertag), you wouldn't have a dress code. the hip-hop look many nba players employed, generally characterized, consisted of a doo-rag with a crooked baseball cap, a large chain, a throwback jersey, baggy jeans and timberlands; the dress code bans headgear (doo-rags/baseball caps), necklaces (chains), non-collared shirts (throwback jerseys), jeans (baggy jeans) and workboots (timberlands). how is this not racially motivated?

i guess if you're going to have young black men making millions of dollars, they better look like they're making millions of dollars. (in other words, they better dress like white millionaires.)

this should have been the first post

2006-03-31T12:22:00.000-08:00

everytime i browse sports magazines, i find myself throwing-up a little in my mouth. sports illustrated, espn the magazine, and the rest are insulting to (non)sports fans. they always look slick with "hip" graphics and photos of athletes looking ever so pensive. they're always lance armstrong this and peyton manning that. who cares!?! and they're so full off (shitty) advertisements, i don't see how anyone can read through them.

with that in mind, we're starting our own sports blog. your (and my) days of vomitting with disgust while reading sports zines will be over.

(actually the original idea was to start a sports-zine, but this seems easier because i'm lazy and i don't know how to photocopy and i get anxiety when i think about passing out the zine in front of jazz games. this blog has a couple draw backs--no mixed mediums, no annotating each others stories, no handmade drawings [unless we find a way to scan those, aaron]--but i figure we can make up for that by the shear number of stories we post. that and this blog will be a little more up to date [except for the super bowl story i already posted].)

it's hard to give a brief overview of what this blog will be like with only two (sub-par) posts. but as i look into my crystal-ball, this blog is going to be great. dare i say, this blog is the new awesome.

here's a couple of themes we hope to explore throughout our posts: espn is ruining sports, we always side with the players unions, drug suspensions are a joke when player are routinely abuse their wives/girlfriends, sports hair-cuts matter, and other themes will articulate at a future date.

no one thought we could do this, but we (are) prov(ing)ed them wrong.

i watched the entire super bowl and all i got was this lousy t-shirt

2006-03-31T12:17:00.000-08:00

the super bowl is a joke. i should unpack this last sentence. i am not joining in with idiot sports radio talk show host (so i have an unhealthy addiction to am radio) who are crying their eyes out due to the lack of exciting teams and/or stars in this years superbowl; i am not questioning the legitimacy of the steelers championship. when i said the super is a joke, i meant the institution of the super bowl is a joke.

i'll start in the middle (a very good place to start). when i say middle, i actually mean the halftime show, which isn't technically the middle since there were like 16 hours of pre-game programming.

what was up with the rolling stones set list? start me up? some song i've never heard before? satisfaction? all stupid songs. you're already mega-stars (or maybe ultra-stars), why do you waste your super bowl performance playing that set list? i think start me up is a song that endorses date rape--blaming the female for the unwanted actions of the male. when mic sings, "if you start me up, i'll never stop," i assume he doesn't literally mean never, but until he's sexually satisfied regardless of what his companion wants. so the song is really saying, "her lips said no, but her body said yes." even if you're mic jagger, no still means no. i used to think satisfaction was on ok song, then i heard devo's cover of it. however, the stones' performance did provide some unintentional irony. it turns out that when mic sings about some old man on the tv, he's actually talking about himself.

here's my short list of alternative songs that could have made this halftime the best halftime ever:

paint it black

missin' you (gavin knows what i'm talking about)

let's spend the night together

gimme shelter (this song could have been about how detriot is hosting the super bowl--showcasing an idealized version of the motorcity [did you see how all the cutaways had the team names written in a kind of 50's-car font?]--while the city boasts the highest rate of unemployment in the country, or it could have been about how the city of detriot rouned up all the homeless for a super bowl party so people visiting the city wouldn't be asked if they have any cigarettes--the homeless are back on the streets again)

mother's little helper (this song could be about steriods)

beast of burden (mic could have dedicated this song to the linemen)

under my thumb (this song could have been about how no black coaches were offered head coaching jobs this offseason)

as the nfl has become less about football and more about advertising, the super bowl has become less of a football game and more of an extended commercial. you know the old saying, "i watch the super bowl for the commercials." well, this year's commercials were terrible. i saw better commercials watching the us open (again, gavin knows what i'm talking about). last year, i fell in love with two super bowl commercials: the one where these three guys are having a dance pary in their office (listening to push it) and those commercials were that guy works with chimps. this year, they revised the chimp commercials but with unfunny results. rehashing old commercials seems to be a staple of super bowl commercials. this, i think, speaks to the institutionalized format of the super bowl: why come up whith anything new and interesting when you can repeat what's worked in the past.

and what was with budweiser? i threw-up a little in my mouth when i saw the commercial of the lamb streaking through the horse football game, but then threw-up all over myself when the commercial of the baby horse pulling the coach with unknown help from its parents came on. that commercial reminded me of that footprints poem which reminded me of this part of wondershozen. they showed footprints on the beach and this kid said something like "when there was only one set of footprints, jesus was carrying me. at least i think it was jesus. he had a beard." (i think you saw this one lauren.)

i also learned that desperate housewives isn't only a show for girls; if shaq, sugar ray, and tony hawk watch, i probably should too.

finally, i'm going to pitch these ideas to burger king:

the king volunteers at a community writing center. someone comes in with a draft for a short story she's thinking of submitting for publication. she goes up to the king and says, "i need another set of eyes to read over this for me. i'm submitting it to the new yorker." the king says, "i'll look over it. why don't you try this new whopper while i read this?"

the king comes out of this hotel and hands the valet parker his ticket. when the valet comes back with his car, he tips him with an order of chicken fries (or whatever those things are).

the king gets a job as an advice columnist for some newspaper. his advice always incorporates whatever is new at burger king.

pipe dreams

2006-03-31T10:55:00.000-08:00

after last summer's rocky mountain revue in salt lake city, i had 4 dreams that i was on the jazz team. i didn't get playing time, but in my dreams i was a team player. (greg, brian, spencer, jon, jon, sam, and jeff know it's only in my dreams that i am.) the dream i remember most was that we lost a game and, as i was going to the locker room, greg ostertag came and put his arm around me and said, "if i was coach, you would have played today. we both know you play better defense than those guys." "thanks." me and kidney-donating greg ostertag: bff.