The art of sports writery

I don't know how many of you regularly read sports articles on online sports sites such as foxsports or espn (I'm assuming most of you), but for those of you that don't, let me tell you a bit about the writers. They're almost all completely awful. They load their articles with inside jokes and pop culture references about the shitty reality tv shows they watch. They love similes like my sister loves Hanson. Did that last sentence seem irrelevent, retarded and a little embarassing? Good. Then you're starting to understand the sort of tripe you have to bear with when reading an online article about the upcoming football game, the basketball draft or the U.S. Open.

I think there is some sort of simile-per-paragraph quota that sports writers have to reach in order receive their paychecks. And their comparisons usually contain pop culture references that have no bearing on the subject on which they are writing, shed no light the point they are trying to make, and make you worry a bit about what the writers do with their personal time. They might go something like this: "Saying Eli Manning is as good a quarterback as his brother is like saying pre-nose job Ashley Simpson is as attractive as Jessica." Alright, that wasn't a good example, but I don't pay much attention to pop culture (especially to the bits that would make me, a grown man, seem creepy) and I'm not drunk/high right now. It's only 10:00 am.

Anyway, I just read the best (worst) example of the kind of article I just described. It was this one which, eventually, is a bunch of predictions for the week 1 NFL games. I'll give you a minute to read it. Done? Okay. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? I can't believe Foxsports actually posted this thing. What's the deal with the Betty Ford joke (please, God, let it be a joke) that takes up half the article? Anyway, if you got through that part and still had the stomache to continue, this guy (Andy Nesbitt), spits out example after example of the requisite jokes and similes most sports articles contain. He really is a pro. In his short blurbs on each game, he manages to hit on the Big Three of the sports simile trifecta: the Irrelevent (see Cleveland vs. New Orleans and Dallas vs. Jacksonville), the Creepy Pop Culture (see Atlanta vs. Carolina and Philadelphia vs. Houston) and the Emberassing Similes (see Baltimore vs. Tampa Bay and Indianapolis vs. New York Giants). And, in one master stroke, he lumped the Holy Trinity of Sports Similes into the rare, vomit-inducing Godhead Simile (see Minnesota vs. Washington). Wow. I'm in awe that people like Mr. Nesbitt get paid to write this stuff. But, I take solice in knowing he's not being paid enough to buy an ipod (see Denver vs. St. Louis).