Yankee Love

There are a lot of problems I have with baseball (and when I say baseball here, I am referring to Major League Baseball, not necessarily the game itself), and I'm not just talking about the steroid issue; we all know that baseball isn't the only sport that has that problem. (This guy knows what I'm talking about.) The game doesn't translate well to television, they play so many games that each individual contest is pointless, and the World Series always airs on Fox in lieu of the Simpsons (which was a more serious issue when the Simpsons were worth watching).

No, the problem I have with baseball is that I can't turn on sports radio or television, pick up a sports paper, or go to a sports website (excepting this one) without hearing how damned awesome the Yankees are. Of course they're awesome, they have the most money so they can buy the best(looking) players.

Major League Baseball doesn't employ a salary cap or revenue sharing so teams and owners can spend whatever they can afford on their players. The Yankees can spend nearly $75 million more than the second least frugal team and 13 times what the thriftiest team spends. Their payroll is more than the bottom five teams combined, and they have five players that make more individually than the entire roster of the Marlins collectively.

They're basically an All-Star team and as such should never lose and should never be praised for winning. Yet, somehow, people think it's a major accomplishment that they win a whopping 60% of their games while teams in similar circumstances (take USA basketball) get criticized for not completely dominating their competition. It's total crap.

I haven't heard a reasonable justification for the competition-killing lack of a salary cap, though, in all fareness, I usually change the station/turn the page/stick my fingers in my ears and scream whenever baseball comes up. However, every time I've heard an argument defending baseball against its many faults, it's usually a tradition-based defense. I'm all for tradition in sports when it comes to things such as team names and uniforms. But I draw the line when traditions interfere with game structure (are penalty goal kicks in soccer traditional? they suck), season outcome (as is the case with baseball), or are just stupid.

Unfortunately, the powers that be will never agree to revenue sharing or a salary cap. In the interest of competitive fairness (yeah, right), maybe MLB should install some kind of handicapping system. Maybe the rich teams could begin the season several games behind the rest of the teams based on their payroll. Or, for instance, the Yankees could spot the Royals so many runs whenever they play. Make those pretty boys earn their money.

who's gonna say no to a free suit?

so reggie bush accepted a bunch of money while an "amateur" athlete. bfd, breaking archaic and unethical institutional rules isn't stealing, domestic abuse, substance abuse (i'm talking about steroids not marijuana) or murder. but if you watch espn or listen to espnradio, you'd wonder which is worse.

last week i listened to the herd (i think that's what it's called) or maybe the dan patrick show (or both) and watched part of cold pizza. each show spent any non-advertising time talking about the so-called reggie bush scandal. on espn, advertising is not limited to commercial breaks but bleeds seamlessly into the fabric of the shows (which i guess is seamless fabric?), and, taking this tired analogy further (or farther), it's nearly impossible to get blood out of fabric. this is why i stay away from analogies and metaphors. but if you don't believe the line between espn programs and their advertisements, just watch--interview question are brought to you by beer companies, sets are built by home depot, stats are provided courtesy of american express or old spice. i've even seen breakdowns of football plays using animation from madden 2007. the contents of the shows are actually commercials and the commercials resemble the shows.

it seems like i've already gotten off subject, but i think this blending of show and commercial informs espn's coverage of the so-called reggie bush scandal.

back to the so-called scandal:

so everyone on all the previously mentioned shows kept talking about reggie bush and laying the blame squarely on him. the question isn't, given the bullshit situation of major college athletics, how should players be fairly reimbursed, but how satanic is reggie bush for dirtying the purity of college athletics. they want to strip him of his heisman and possibly have him executed. maybe they should have dick cheney shoot him in the face. everyone defends usc and makes excuses for the agents giving offering him the money. not a single commentator suggested that the problem may be with the ncaa. i hate joe horn, but he's one of the few people i've heard state the obvious about the so-called reggie bush scandal: "the man [bush] earned millions for that school. that much is undeniable." but i want to take this a few steps further. not only did bush make a shitload of money for usc, but also for the ncaa, the television networks that cover college football and the companies that advertise with them. reggie bush, however, got his tuition waived.

college football isn't really a sport. like professional football, it's primarily entertainment. imagine you're favorite tv show. (mine's not grey's anatomy.) imagine, unlike campus ladies, that it's wildly successful raking in millions of dollars for the network and the advertisers. then imagine that the actors--the reason why anyone watches the show--get almost nothing. it's total bullshit.

ps, i read that marcellus wiley--a football player who moonlights as a commentator for nbssports--wrote a blog defending reggie bush and suggesting some kind of a trust fund for college athletes, but nbc has purposely made this blog impossible to find.

they're called hyperlinks, dude, and they're all over this thing

andy roddick: he's no allen iverson, but he makes better commercials than allen iverson. this year's us open commercials had been a disappointment with two exceptions: sharapova's nike commercial (specifically because it was so un-nike) and the roddick v pong commercial. then roddick made it to the finals. during the final, lexus finally replayed all the roddick commercials from a year ago. unfortunately i could only find one online. why are they hiding the rest? but i think you only need to see one to understand why these commercials may be some of the best commercials ever. those roddick commercials are like anti-commercials: they have nothing to do with cars or tennis. they're so funny and confusing (or funny because they're confusing). i love those commercials.

but then my paranoia sets in. fact: lexus commercials aren't made for their entertainment value; they're made to sell cars. why is lexus trying to sell me, or someone like me, a car? what kind of market research did lexus do to identify my specific demographic and to know what kind of commercial would work on us (me and my demographic)? i'm guessing they read my myspace profile. ever since fox bought myspace i've been worrying about this kind of thing happening. i have another idea of how lexus figured me out, but i'm worried to reveal it for fear of looking too paranoid.

but i am paranoid so here it is:

one day i decided to see if someone had already dedicated a website to me without me knowing. typing in brianwood.com transported me here. at first i was surprised how much information there was about me; then i realized the website was for another brian wood (not to be confused with the brian wood who painted this or the brian wood who looks like this). after browsing through the website, my paranoia set in. this other brian wood was a lot like me--we both need corrective lenses, we've both had scratched corneas, we like some of the same movies, music and books. a little freaked out about having the same name and a number of shared(?) experiences with this other brian, i was blown away when i saw the t-shirts he designed.

you're probably like, "state-shirts? who fucking cares?" well, i do. a few years ago i treid to collect state-themed shirts from all 50 states plus washington dc since i already owned one and puerto rico since guy was wearing one the last time i saw fugazi (the photo linked is of the actual puerto rico shirt). my logic: if i owned all 50+ state-shirts i could plan my wardrobe months in advance--i'd wear them alphabetically, in the order they were accepted into the union, geographically (probably west to east) and so on. the possiblities were endless and i'd never waste another hour in the morning deciding what not to wear. i aquired 22 different state-shirts before giving up. imagine how i felt when i found this guy who shares my name and many of my experiences and makes state-shirts--state-shirts i would have bought if i was still pursuing my state-shirt goal (but i wouldn't have paid what he was asking). i know i'm paranoid but this is fucked up. later i found out that this other brian wood didn't love star wars episode iii and realized we weren't anything alike.

i know none of this has anything to with roddick or tennis, but, taking my sports writing cues from nesbitt--a paid sports-writer for foxsports--i'm spending half the piece telling jokes that only i get (and possibly aaron and the other brian wood who may actually be me in the future or me in a kind of twin earth called twearth where everything is the same except i'm older and a successful comic artist).

back to roddick:

while researching this piece about roddick, i came across a number of helpful websites. this guy thinks those lexus commercials are stupid. what i think is stupid: calling your blog miscellania from josh. this guy thinks they suck too but he names his blog after himself. what an idiot. i found this interview where roddick admits to watching porn with his brother. i think this is a joke, but i can't prove it. if it's a joke, andy roddick is obviously cool; if it's the truth, he might be kind of creepy. well, that depends on what they were watching.

actually, i need to establish why i was researching all this stuff about roddick in the first place. roddick is one of my favorite tennis players for two reasons: (1) the previously mentioned lexus commercials and (2) because he's sponsored by lacoste rather than nike. and because he's such a hunk. here's what i don't like about roddick: jimmy connors is his coach. i mean everyone sees that this is a publicity stunt. all anyone could talk about during the final was how connors-like roddick was playing. i didn't buy it. roddick played surprisingly well--even looking like he might beat federer late in the third set--but that had nothing to do with jimmy connors and everything to do with mandy moore.

unless you've been in a tennis/mandy moore coma for the last few years, you know that mandy moore and andy roddick were an item affectionately called (m)andy. it was after she dated fez but before she dated scrubs. (m)andy broke up a minute ago--like 2004 or something. andy was the one who put a stop to (m)andy. he just couldn't handle the hollywood thing. after the break up, andy's tennis went down hill. clearly he regretted the break up. sure he had to put up with the hollywood thing, but they were totally in love. he made a mistake and there was nothing he could do about since mandy was dating zach braff. after a number of disappointing tennis tournaments, roddick took a short break to recover from a sore back which was a euphemism for a broken heart.

mandy moore was pretty broken up about the break up too. in this interview i read, when asked how she's doing since the (m)andy break up she responded, "i'm okay. i'm good." i nearly cried when i read her answer. it was devestating like an elizabeth bishop poem. anytime you repeat yourself like mandy moore did it's because you're trying to convince yourself of something that isn't true.

but things are looking up. mandy moore broke things off with zach braff. the claimed an age difference. i'm no mandy moore but i'd break up with zach because he's pretentious. then, in the middle of july, (m)andy were seen together eating lunch. allegedly she couldn't keep her eyes off him (but who could?). after that roddick won the cinncinati open and placed second at the us open. in his post-final interview, roddick credited much of his success to a special friend. dusty thinks he was talking about agassi. someone named tracy thinks he was talking about sharapova (who he is not dating). but i know he was talking about mandy moore.

andy roddick is back and he'll continue to be the wind beneath my wings.

frisbee masters - disc shaped sweetness

i'm blessed with two talents. one, extreme athletic ability. two, amazing mastery of video editing. don't shit your shorts when you see how rad this first video came out.

why do they only show americans?

there's a lot to hate about the winter olympics: the snow, the snowboarding, how everybody pronounces the name of the city however they want, the uniforms, the ice-dancing, hockey, remembering how much it sucked when the olympics were here in slc, the coke commercials, the visa commercials, the home depot commercials, and on and on. here's my biggest problem: what's the deal with only showing americans? there are other people competing at the olympics.

i like to watch the biatholon but it's never on tv. so i'm usually forced to watch speedskating. that one american is my favorite (i'm not doing any research for this article but you all know who i'm talking about). he's so funny in interviews. he never looks at the camera and gives like two word responses. cbs (or nbs) wants to play up his story--the first black athlete to win an individual medal in winter olympic history--but he refuses to play along. but he still should grow out a beard.

The art of sports writery

I don't know how many of you regularly read sports articles on online sports sites such as foxsports or espn (I'm assuming most of you), but for those of you that don't, let me tell you a bit about the writers. They're almost all completely awful. They load their articles with inside jokes and pop culture references about the shitty reality tv shows they watch. They love similes like my sister loves Hanson. Did that last sentence seem irrelevent, retarded and a little embarassing? Good. Then you're starting to understand the sort of tripe you have to bear with when reading an online article about the upcoming football game, the basketball draft or the U.S. Open.

I think there is some sort of simile-per-paragraph quota that sports writers have to reach in order receive their paychecks. And their comparisons usually contain pop culture references that have no bearing on the subject on which they are writing, shed no light the point they are trying to make, and make you worry a bit about what the writers do with their personal time. They might go something like this: "Saying Eli Manning is as good a quarterback as his brother is like saying pre-nose job Ashley Simpson is as attractive as Jessica." Alright, that wasn't a good example, but I don't pay much attention to pop culture (especially to the bits that would make me, a grown man, seem creepy) and I'm not drunk/high right now. It's only 10:00 am.

Anyway, I just read the best (worst) example of the kind of article I just described. It was this one which, eventually, is a bunch of predictions for the week 1 NFL games. I'll give you a minute to read it. Done? Okay. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? I can't believe Foxsports actually posted this thing. What's the deal with the Betty Ford joke (please, God, let it be a joke) that takes up half the article? Anyway, if you got through that part and still had the stomache to continue, this guy (Andy Nesbitt), spits out example after example of the requisite jokes and similes most sports articles contain. He really is a pro. In his short blurbs on each game, he manages to hit on the Big Three of the sports simile trifecta: the Irrelevent (see Cleveland vs. New Orleans and Dallas vs. Jacksonville), the Creepy Pop Culture (see Atlanta vs. Carolina and Philadelphia vs. Houston) and the Emberassing Similes (see Baltimore vs. Tampa Bay and Indianapolis vs. New York Giants). And, in one master stroke, he lumped the Holy Trinity of Sports Similes into the rare, vomit-inducing Godhead Simile (see Minnesota vs. Washington). Wow. I'm in awe that people like Mr. Nesbitt get paid to write this stuff. But, I take solice in knowing he's not being paid enough to buy an ipod (see Denver vs. St. Louis).

Amazing Osterag Watercolor Paintings

For my inaugural post I wanted something to commemorate my dedication to GSW forward Ike Diogu, a man with a boy's face and a god's skill on the court. But while searching I found something even more magical and awesome. Watercolor paintings of Utah Jazz center Greg Ostertag. Holy cow they're great.



(many more wonderful basketball and sports related awesome pics, including a shot of kazaam underpants, here)

Imaginary football

I manage a fantasy football league and we recently held our draft. This is the story I posted at the league site. The Brother's Wood asked me to post it here despite my protests that the only ones interested in it would be those who participate in the league. For the rest of you, it will seem senseless and tedious. Anyway, for those of you who haven't participated in a (good) fantasy football league, this is what you're missing out on.

The draft has come and gone without much of a hitch. I was worried, though. We started late, the site kept reloading, I was sure it would crash at any minute. As the draft got going, my apprehension built. I was drafting for two teams, you see, while making the picks for the computerless. I was a fidgity ball of nerves. Then, much to my relief, bluebeard's beard--old reliable--drafted a defense with his third pick. This beacon of familiarity guided me to a state of profound calm, letting me know that everything would be just fine. And they were.

I was glad so many of you (eight, eventually) could make it to my folks' place. We had a good time, we laughed, we joked and, I like to think we learned a little. I know I did. Here are five things I learned:

1. Even though I thought 4 of bluebeards' first 5 picks were crazy, there may have been some method to his madness. He's not super deep at any position, but he's got good starters across the board and has great prospects for the future. This is his best team yet.
2. Your fantasy friends are a rollicking good time, but they'll stab you in the back. After expressing my displeasure when mt heart attack grabbed Santonio Holmes in the 10th round, my dear brother, realizing my next choice for a rookie receiver was Greg Jennings, snaked him out from under me two picks later. I got him back in the 12th when I counselled him to avoid Jerry Porter then grabbed him with my next pick. In the 14th, I recommended to Aaron that he draft rookie TE Joe Klopfenstien, even helping him spell the name out in the player search. Two seats away, and two picks before, Ryan pulled the trigger before Aaron got the chance. That bastard.
3. Bribing Chad to put me at the start of the draft doesn't pay. Fine. I didn't bribe him, but I did get the first pick and used it on Reggie Bush. Exciting, sure, but my receivers took a major hit when I only got to pick one between the first overall pick and the 48th. Consequently, this may be my weakest team since I started this league.
4. A good draft doesn't always equal a good team. I actually learned about this phenomenon last year. I thought I had the perfect team last year and would steamroll my way to the league title. Eventually, I snuck into the playoffs with a 6-7 record and was destroyed in the first round. The way I see it, since this draft was terrible, that pretty much makes me a shoe-in for a great year. Lock it up!
5. Aaron likes to sing along with the Beach Boys. And I like to listen.

That's it. Feel free to share any draft lessons you learned. Also, don't forget to vote in the new "best draft" poll. I may be inclined to bestow an "honor" on the winner if enough of you participate.

Here are the responses I got:

6. Laying off the beer doesn't necessarily mean you'll have a great draft. Oh sweet, sweet beer. I promise I'll never neglect you again.

7. Those damn backups who get traded sure are awesome. Man, I'd love to have some awesome. I'm talking Ashley Lelie, Kevan Barlow, TJ Duckett. Get 'em while they're not hot, folks. They'll warm up later.

and

8. never overthink (or maybe over-think) the draft. while i was busy dafting gavin put in this lars von trier movie called manderlay. it turned out to be amazing (not only amazing but mindblowing or maybe mind-blowing]) so i couldn't concentrate on the draft. this, i think, vastly improved my draft.
9. if you're going to post message responses you should probably do so under your own name. but i just realized i'm logged in under aaron's name and it seems like too much w[o]rk to switch it.

If this article didn't pique your interest in fantasy sports--and I would certainly understand why--let me say that fantasy sports are an excellent way to learn about and gain interest in a sport. They give you a reason to pay attention to a sport, it's players, and it's rules. And as Brian's last article (or, the explanatory post-article comment response[my interpretation of it, at least]) pointed out, gaining an understanding of a particular sport goes a long way towards appreciating it.